Frenchfam

scar of tears

2012-02-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

So, after I had Ava via c-section, everything healed back perfect, flat, smooth, just a scar that blended right in.... this is a picture after her....

Richard will kill me for posting this picture... but it's the only picture I have that shows what I'm talking about. See it's all flat, smooth... it healed perfectly. Well, then after I had Cooper, I remember complaining about how tight it all felt, like everything was gonna break apart if I stood up too straight, etc... So now I have this problem. A lot of moms that have a section say there is this sagging skin, but I don't have that, I didn't with Ava. I don't have that now. The best way to describe it, it's as if the Doctor pulled it all in too tight (it was the on call doctor, she delivered both of my kids), so I don't get it b/c the first time everything she did was perfect, now this time it's AWFUL and I'm left with the reminder of it all everytime I look in the mirror, get dressed, get in the shower etc. it's not sagging skin. I work out pretty much daily, I do tons of lower ab exercises, I have great abs, it doesn't matter what on earth I do no amount of cardio no amount of ab work no amount of Zumba can fix it. It's hard like scar tissue right above the scar. My husband says it looks fine, but at the same time, he is my husband. Then in the same sentence he says it's not that noticable, so he sees it. Look, it affects what I can and cant wear for goodness sakes! I have a couple pencil skirts I can't wear b/c they are a thinner material and more fitted and you can see the "indention" and it's not okay. I have a couple dresses I can't wear for the same reason. It makes me self conscious and it makes me cry. I'm to the point that if my OB can't fix it if we ever had another kid, then I want plastic surgery. Even though my husband points out that nobody sees it but me, that's the point, I see it, it's a reminder everyday several times a day. I find it disgusting, it just disgusts me that I have to see it. If it had healed like everything did after I had Ava, fine. But I have this issue and NOTHING to show for it. Cooper isn't here. If it had healed like that and he was here, then it wouldn't be a big issue. Richard keeps telling me nobody will see it when I wear a bikini, but I feel like you can tell. I know to most people this seems "vain" but it's not. I see this and I cry, almost everyday, b/c I don't want it there, b/c I don't have my son so I don't want it. It makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad. I feel like she botched my stomach at the WORST possible time. It is a daily reminder of what happened. It is a daily reminder that my son is gone. It is a daily reminder and tears. I'm so mad why did this have to heal this way? Why didn't it heal like my first section? It's frustrating. I want it fixed like yesterday. All it does is bring me down when I see it. It's not good for me and it needs to go AWAY! I have to see myself and that's where my eyes go. So I call it a scar of tears.

A few Ava baby baby pictures

2012-02-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

I realized I don't have very many pictures of Ava from when she was born... and today just watching her and listening to all that she says has reminded me how FAST the time has gone.

Because we couldn't hold her for 10 hours, when we did finally get her it was only for 30minutes and emotional. So this is our first picture together.

OH when they took her out of my belly she did this for a LONG time!

I miss that dark curly hair!

How little did I know screaming would be one of her favorite things to do....

Can you say PROUD HAPPY DAD!

And this was Richard holding her. He got to hold her while they stitched up my tummy for a couple minutes, but then they had to take her. So I love this picture so much. His face is so happy.

This is her blessing gown.

And this was her first Christmas. Not even 3mts. old and getting "too much" already!

I'm so in awe of her, her imagination, how smart she is but more than that how LOVING she is. She is growing up to be the sweetest and most loving little girl in the world. She is very smart, and has a memory like no other and always has. She melts my heart at the most unexpected moments. She loves her daddy to put her to bed now. Since he works crazy hours that's their time. I used to do that too, but then she wanted Richard to do it one night, and I made them stick to it. He doesn't get much one on one time with her and I believe that time with her father is very important. A little girl needs her dad as much as her mom. There are days I wish she was 10 years old but then I'm quickly reminded how I need to treasure all these moments b/c look how fast she has grown from these little pictures. She takes care of all her stuffed animals, and currently all the chipmunks and chipettes. She will make a great mommy of her own someday, but for now she can be my trying lttle 3 year old that I love more than anything in the world.

RANDOMS

2012-02-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

So here are a bunch of random pictures.

Brayley and Ava at Brayley's showcase night. It's like a trial run before competition starts.

Ava doesn't feel well. She fell asleep about 10minutes after vegging out on the couch.

Apparently she wanted to have a tacky day. She was wearing a bathing suit under her clothes.

We went to my sister's for Superbowl. Ava played ELEFUN all night!

She loved it! We have to buy her one for our house.

A few nights ago we had a CRAZY thunderstorm. Ava made Richard cover her ears.

FINALLY found the PERFECT breakfast table. I have a centerpiece I just forgot to put it on.

Passed out on a walk with my friend Crystal and her twins.

Our Valentine craft.

FINALLY my mantle is how I wanted it! The F, I made it with cardboard and fabric I had bought that was going to be on one of Cooper's burp cloths. The little blue frame is a craft I made for Cooper. The Blue door is from Hobby Lobby. The candles are from Target. The turtle my mom gave me at Christmas, is for Cooper. Then our family phot framed.

I wanted lots of candles and it looks perfect TO US. Richard loves it, so that's always a bonus to get his approval!

FUN Saturday with the Nulls

2012-02-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

So Kyle, Brandy, Dylan and Paxton (twins) came to visit on Saturday, to see our new home and hang out. WE had SO much fun! It's so great that Brandy and I have become such great friends and not because I married Richard and she is married to Kyle, but she and I talk on the phone and when we hang out we go off by ourselves without the husbands and this time without the kids. It was super wonderful to shop and just chat and have no cares. The Men got to go off in the morning and got steaks and all from the Meat Market for dinner Saturday night. They ran a few other errands. Of course they weren't too thrilled about Brandy and I going off without them and the kiddos, but her boys are at an age where she said you can't take them in public, and it was rainy and they had a better time at home.

This first picture is Dylan, he had a GREAT time being left with the men, so much so he ate Ava's yellow chalk. They said he was laughing, he thought it was hillarious.

Then there is Ava in her blue LaLa Loopsy wig they got her, to match the doll she got at Christmas. They also got her several other things. She LOVES all of it.

We didn't get a picture of Paxton, he was too busy, but we got another of Dylan with Ava's shoes on and pushing her stroller and MINUS pants... he was so cute!

Then part of the housewarming gift from the Nulls. They had gotten us this sayin that was framed, but then Brandy wanted me to exchange it b/c we didn't have a perfect place to hang it. So when she and I were at Hobby Lobby, we found a great frame to replace the PLAIN one I had hanging over Cooper's stuff in the hall, and got some letter stickers and now it's PERFECT and special. They got us other stuff too, but I took a picture of this.

Our steak dinner was EXCELLENT. WE had steak and asparagus on the grill. Then we had baked potatos and sister shubert rolls. It was delish! We laughed and laughed Saturday, which was much needed. Ava was SO sweet to the boys. She shared so well with them, and even helped break up a little fight (paxton stealing dylan's toy). I was/am very proud of her. The boys loved her vaccum and her stroller they pushed those around all day. Ava crashed around 7:45, while Richard and Kyle went to get us ice cream, and then the Nulls left around 8:30ish. We were sad they had to leave b/c its' been a LONG too long of a time since we have gotten to hang out. So we already have March in the works. Then April is the twins birthday so we will be hanging out for the next couple months. YAY! It's always wonderful to have such great friends.

Anger

2012-02-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

So there is this young adult, who is pregnant. She blacked out the other day. Come to find out she has not been to the doctor yet, her parents don't have her on their insurance, so she is having to wait for hers to kick in. When we saw that she hasn't been to a doctor even after blacking out RAGE consumed me.

HOW could you not if you black out? Not saying it's her fault, but SOMEBODY should have taken her to the doctor or the ER. For the baby's sake. I couldn't imagine that being Ava and us not taking her. Anyways, as we were talking about it I felt this anger, and then tears started overflowing, my appetite for my ice cream was gone and it was just nasty crying. I guess b/c the THOUGHT of that baby losing it's life b/c of adults not taking care of what needs to be taken care of, selfish adults, thoughtless adults, or adults who don't yet have insurance and can't afford to go to the doctor and not having anybody to help her and tell her it's okay you can pay the hospital 20bux a month or whatever and they can't send you to collections. The thought that I lost my son and did EVERYTHING right. Then you don't want another person to have to go through this. This particular adult would not be able to handle it, she doesn't have the support she needs if this happened to her. I would give anything if we could have her and him come and live in our house so I could make sure she was taking her vitamins and eating what she needs to be eating, etc.... It will make me just SICK if something happens all because this person couldn't go to a doctor. I feel sorry for her, I want to just hug her and help her.

Anytime I think about that it makes me very angry and tears flow. You feel a sense of "it's not fair" which I try to NOT think like that, but sometimes you just do. Sometimes you can't help it. I know she will love her baby with her whole heart, I just wish she could see a doctor NOW. But there is nothing we can do, we just have to sit back b/c she is not our child, and I doubt they would let us help. So I pray everything turns out just fine.

We won't know why....

2012-02-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

So the MFM said he thought that this MTHFR had nothing to do with why Cooper died. Honestly, we will never know. But strangely I am okay with that. I told Dr. BK I was fine with that. We are at peace with that and we don't need to know. I know most of the moms do know why they lost their child. We don't. At first it was hard, but not really on me, but because everyone asked, and you almost feel stupid when you tell them, "i don't know why". Recently a new mom at my support group asked me about that. She and her husband don't know why they lost their baby. I told her it took a little bit but that we were really okay with it. I could spend months and months stressing over that or worrying about that, but I had rather not. The Lord took him for a reason, I believe that. I had rather spend the months and months remembering him holding onto those pictures in my mind, before they fade. Dr. BK said that chances of something so "unknown" happening again are very slim. But again, it's okay. I know he feels like it's his job to know WHY we lost him, but sometimes even as brilliant as he is, there is just not an answer. I'm very happy he is healthy. I don't know that he would have been born healthy. Whatever the reason, he isn't here, and that's the only answer I have as far as that goes. Sure when I listen to all the other moms talk about why they lost their child, i wish I could chime in on that, but I can't. The unknown is usually very scary, and since we don't know it does affect having another child. We DON'T know, and BK doesn't know, so ya know it happened. We live it and try to do the best we can with the information we don't have and do have. It doesn't matter that I don't know b/c even if we knew what it was it wouldn't change anything, we would still hurt. I would still have horrible days and wonderful days and okay days and sad days, a piece of my heart would still be gone FOREVER. Nothing would change, he's my son, I miss him, I love him.

Private Practice

2012-02-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

I have experienced two things that people don't talk about, losing my son and rape. Most of you who read my blog know I was raped, b/c I've written about it a LOOONG time ago and mention it time to time.

I was watching Private Practice and it was about a soldier who got raped in Afghanistan. And male or female you totally relate when it came to the not wanting to tell anybody b/c of what they may think or say. I remember people asking me why didn't I do this or that, what they THINK they would have done. Again, this is a situation you don't know WHAT you would do until it happens. I would like to think that I would have done those things, but I couldn't and I didn't.... and it happened.

This soldier's wife reacted the way you think people will, and I know that that happens in real life. When I met Richard, well when we started dating it was 3 mts. after I had been raped. I didn't wanna date anybody much less get married, i HATED men. But in working with my therapist 2 sessions a week, we decided that I could try this date with him. There was something about Richard that made me feel like it was okay. And then we went and we both knew we wanted to marry eachother and it was so weird... i still hated men, but not him, i felt "safe" right away with him.

So a few weeks later I told him about being raped. It wasn't easy to share as I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to hear. WONDERFUL thing I did b/c then I got a call that grand jury was a week later. Richard was such a rock for me during that. He didn't sign up for any of that, and I told him after telling what happened to me, that he could walk away before we went any further and I would totally understand, that the next several months would be hard on me and he didn't have to go through all that. But he said absolutely NOT. I'm so thankful for that.

Here we are almost 5 years later, August 13th marks 5 years, and I'm still dealing with it all. I don't like to be alone at night, I don't like to be in a dark room, I don't like to be snuck up on, I don't turn the lights off at night, he has to after I get in the bed, I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks from it all, i call him sometimes when he is working at night TERRIFIED and crying. Any noise sets me off, the ice maker, anything. I can't watch scary movies, I can't watch shows or movies when a girl/woman/child is being abused in any way b/c all that gives me flashbacks. I have dreams still, it affects a lot of things. All that may sound silly to you, but you haven't been there. Now this one person who heard what happened to me, tried to tell me and Richard about a guy she had gone on a date with and was "almost" raped... meaning he wanted to have sex with her and she said no... YES people try to "one up" you even on a subject such as this. This person though, I expect that crap from. So unless it happens to you, you don't know what you would do.

So I'm glad when Private Practice showed this that they showed a spouse reacting in a negative way b/c it's very real. I was scared to tell my mom and my sister, my brother is the one who took me to the police and to the hospital to do the rape kit, he is the one who made me call my mom. I can't imagine being my mom, b/c if i ever heard that from Ava I would lose it. But she held it together even when she got tot he hospital. They put my family in a private room while they all sat there so late at night until I was finished. You feel like people are ashamed of you in that that happened, or that they heavily judge you b/c that happened. You lose a lot of friends b/c they get mad that you press charges against this person, they talk about you and so forth. LUCKILY I have been blessed to never have to see any of them, even when I go to visit my mom, and am out and about we have never ran into them. Of course I will never see Shane b/c he is in jail for murder. But people judge you when that happens, and it's not nice, it's mean, I got harrassed by them through emails and all, had to file restraining orders etc against them. As a family it's never brought up. I do know that my sister went home and talked to her daughter about it, and told her if anything ever happened to her like that to tell them right away and so on. I am a memeber of RAINN I have had parts of my story in magazines, etc...

But like with losing my son, the one person I can talk to about these things, is Richard. I'm so thankful to have him as a husband b/c he listens and lets me vent or whatever. He doesn't tell me i'm stupid for being afraid at night, etc... instead he tries to comfort me, even when he is at work. I'm so thankful he reacted to it allt he way he did, and not the way I was afraid of him reacting.

I'm thankful for shows that depcit things honestly, Private Practice has now honestly depicted 2 rape scenarios. I hate shows that show those things that are so far from how it really is. I hope that as time goes by that more people feel they can come forth, hopefully shows will continue like private practice and that it helps people to see it is okay to come forth and that it helps their family members to learn they need to be supportive. And it's good that it gets RAINN out there, b/c if you aren't going to tell anybody you need some sort of outlet.

MFM

2012-02-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

So on Wednesday I had to go consult with my MFM, about some blood work that my OB had done, and found I have MTHFR. It's a clotting disorder. Anyways, when going there I was fine, until I pulled into the drive. I haven't been back there since July 13th, the day we found out Cooper had died. So all of the sudden anxiety and tears overflowed. I called Richard frantically crying. He stayed home with Ava b/c she's been a little sickly and we thought it would be easier that way. I seriously wanted to just turn around and go home. I hadn't really thought about going back there, until I was there. All I could do was just see the flashbacks of that day, the ultrasound that I will NEVER forget, the room I was in, then the conference room I was in, the doctor the nurses, etc... So Richard had to get off the phone b/c Ava was being obnoxious in the background. So then I text the first person I thought of, Tiffany, a mom in my support group. I gathered myself, wiped the runny eyeliner off my face, and went in. I fought back tears the whole time, I tried to not "think" I brought with me an US WEEKLY b/c that's mindless reading and I didn't want to read a parenting or baby or what to expect magazine. So finally they call me back, to top it all off, I was put in the conference room that we were put in that day to wait for him. I waited, and I didn't cry... and when he walked in all was better. He remembered Cooper, he remembered his name and all. He went over everything with me, and he took his time. I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful and surprised he remembered and that he was kind and took his time. He is pretty much all business but when we lost Cooper he was so not, he had tears he hugged me, etc... and then on WEdnesday he was that same gentle kind man again. Yes, he was all business when explaining everything to me. Walking out of there I felt a sigh a relief. That was really the one place I didn't want to have to go back to. The one place that holds the WORST memory for me. But I survived! Flashbacks and all, I survived. It wasn't easy. If I ever go back there again, i'm sure it will be hard, but if there is a next time, I'm making Richard come with me!

video

2012-01-29T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today I uploaded a bunch of FLIP videos b/c I haven't since sometime last fall. October 26th was the day Ava asked to see pictures of Cooper. How do I know, b/c we recorded that whole moment. You think it would make me sad, but it made me laugh it made me smile, it made me happy. I'm so glad we recorded that moment.

I don't know that I will ever share that video with anybody, it's just for us. That moment. Ava laughing because she was so happy her brother looked just like her. I never expected her to want to see him, and then when she did I never expected it to go so sweet, like it did.

Then I started thinking, how would I ever share all this with another kid if we ever decided to have one? I don't know how you do it. Ava was here she went through it all she was IN THE ROOM, she saw Cooper dead on the ultrasound. I just hate to think there would be such a disconnect between another child and Cooper. That child would know that he is their brother, but it wouldn't be the same. Would that child ever ask to see Cooper? I hope that it would.

I know this, I will continue to take tons of video's of Ava and if any other child came into the picture, b/c today reminded me of that moment, that memory. It made me happy.

Red skirt, Purple shirt

2012-01-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

So the next set of pictures are of us after we got home from church... i LOVE my purple shirt/red skirt combo... and Ava was in such a posing mood I had to share!

This last picture is HILLARIOUS! Ava has gotten into this thing of "poking" out her belly. She is the cutest little French fry in the world... LOVE her!

MORE of MY FAMILY

2012-01-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

Ava, Aunt Mildred and me. This is Aunt Mildred's first and last time to meet Ava. She is my Granny's sister-in-law. She has cancer and it is now in her brain and all over. She is 83 and has decided to stop all treatments. She was once cancer free, then it came back with a vengance. So I'm thankful we could go visit them.

My mom and Aunt Mildred. Ava and I rode down with my mom to Many, LA.

Me and Uncle Boots, he is my Granny's brother, Aunt Mildred's husband.

Ava and Uncle Boots and Ava's new best dog friend, Sunset.

Ava and Sunset, I have a million pictures of the two of them.

Granny coloring with Ava.

And last but not least, the huge lollipop Grandma brought back from the store for Ava.

This trip was so fun. We spent it quickly, but with great family and food.

I'm SO happy I have pictures of Ava and Uncle Boots and Aunt Mildred, I just wish Richard could have come. I hate that he will not get to meet Aunt Mildred.

But Ava did, and I'm happy with that and happy we could go.

MY FAMILY

2012-01-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

So my 3 neices, Madeline, Ava, Olivia

Ashton, Ava, Madeline

The Thiel cousins, minus Chris. Becky, Caragan, Chandler, me, Kellie, Bob

Just the girls! Becky, Caragan, Chandler, me, Kellie (doing the Katie pose)

Of course we never could get all of us looking!

My stepmom, Madeline, Melissa (the tall one) Ashton, Bob, Kellie, Brayley, my dad, me, Ava, Richard

My sweet 4 year old neice, Madeline, lost her first tooth when we were there. She is showing my Ava in this picture, and then her sister's Ava and Olivia were hangin' out being CUTE!

So me and one of my FAVE sister-in-laws, Emily! This is us at the lunch after my Grandpa's service. We look a little rough b/c it was HUMID, and WINDY that morning.

My brother Bob, me, my dad, and Kellie... again my hair looks like CRAPOLA thanks weather!

Ava and Madeline at the lunch.

This was all from my trip to Baton Rouge. Ava LOVED being around her 3 cousins she doesn't get to see that much, but her and Madeline never miss a beat. Of course I LOVE me some Emily time, so that was wonderful. It was a nice trip.

My best friend, my sister Kellie

2012-01-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the friends and family members that were REALLY there for me and for us during the loss of our son. There were those we thought would be, but weren't, and those we didn't think would be, but were. This blog is going to be about my sister. I will, over time, blog about a few different ones.

Kellie. Kellie is my older sister, 4 years older than me. Kellie is non-emotional you never see her cry, I've seen her cry maybe lfike 5 times my whole life. But, Kellie is a kind hearted individual, she may not come across that way, but she for sure is.

When we got pregnant with Cooper, we decided to tell our parents and grandparents first, then aunts and uncles. But I also told my sister, b/c she is my best friend and has been there for me FOREVER. Sure we have had our differences, but she and I are both big enough to accept an apology, or move on. When we found out we were pregnant, well I was at home, Richard at work. I called Kellie b/c I couldn't get a hold of my mom! I told her. Then after my first ob appointment and ultrasound, and it doesn't go well b/c there was fluid, etc... I called Kellie. No we didn't call many people to tell, except our parents. But Kellie I called, and I told her she could tell my brother and his wife. I couldn't talk I was so emotional after that first appointment. I was terrified, honestly.

The 13th of July, that horrible, awful day, the day we lost our son. The VERY FIRST person I called, or I should say Richard, b/c I was shaking so bad I could barely hold my phone, was my sister. Why did I call her before even calling my mom? Because her work was 5min. away and we needed somebody to get Ava. When Richard handed me the phone, and Kellie answered, she cried with me on the phone. She asked no questions all I said was we lost Cooper and she said I'm leaving to get Ava. She arrived and walked in the room with such urgency and dropped her purse and cried and cried and hugged me and let me cry. We told her what was going on and then she took Ava for us.

On July 15th, day of my section, Kellie stayed in the waiting room with the kids and didn't get to see Cooper. I didn't think she had wanted to see him, and she didn't, b/c she said she couldn't handle it, but she wanted to see me. I never thought about it, nor did she expect me to. She checked on me constantly and came to visit us, she even brought me dry shampoo b/c I couldn't wash my hair the next day b/c it hurt so bad and she knows I can't stand that.

She called me in the hospital, so upset that she said she felt like she hadn't been there for me. She had been there for me since the MOMENT I found out I was pregnant with Cooper. But that wasn't enough for her. I knew after talking to her I needed to let her know how much she had done for me and was planning to do for me (she was having all our family and closest friends over to her house to eat after the service and she organized all of it)... so I thought and thought and couldn't stop thinking about her being upset until I decided to share something with her that only Richard and I had ever read. The letter we wrote to Cooper. Will I ever share it with anybody else, I don't know. It's sacred to me. So I emailed her the letter. I felt so happy that I did that. She knew it was very sacred to me. She told me I should have never sent her that while she was at work b/c she needed a huge box of tissue. So I was glad it touched her, of course there was no way that it wouldn't.

She organized the get together at her house after the service. That was so nice of her. She called and took care of getting help on all the foods, etc... Everything was perfect.

IF we ever decided to have another baby, we said we would only tell parents and grandparents and then I would tell my sister. Also, b/c if we needed help she would need to know. But my brother and his wife live here too so they will know b/c we all get together for dinner on Sunday's at least once a month. Everyone else, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc... will find out if they see me, and since I won't be able to travel they would have to come to my house. Yes, we are aware how many people will be offended, but honestly it's not about those people. Of course church people would know, and of course I will tell my support group and we have a few VERY VERY close friends we would tell b/c they were there for us through all this.

So I'm thankful for Kellie, yes we have our ups and downs, no she doesn't understand all of this, but she is trying, she wants to understand it. I appreciate that SO MUCH. I appreciate her and love her so much. I'm thankful to have a sister like Kellie.

Reading my blog

2012-01-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

If you read my blog and it offends you, then that means you have done something wrong. I post on here to vent about my grief of losing my son, and then the happy times, and fun stuff with Ava. I have had people reach out to my blog and it has helped them. I will continue to blog, I hate to set it to private so people from all over that have read it could no longer read it. If you are offended, I'm sorry, but you didn't lose your child and deal with all the crap that I have had to deal with since losing my son. Don't take anything personal unless you did something and feel guilty.

THINGS TO SAY

2012-01-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of things to "say" on here, but I'm exhausted from traveling, my Grandpa's funeral, then back to Louisiana to visit my Aunt Mildred who now has cancer in her brain at 83 she has decided to finally stop treatments. Her cancer at one point was GONE, then it came back with a vengance. So very sad.

What was special is the connection Uncle Boots and I made, about him about to lose his life long partner and me losing my son. He spoke about his anxiety. I experienced so much of that after losing my sweet son.

So it's been exhausting, physically and emotionally. How sad is it though, at my Grandpa's funeral I wasn't that sad, I really believe it's b/c I lost my son, NOTHING NO LOSS will ever compare to that. I expect to lose Richard, or him lose me when we are old, you expect that. I was sad for my dad, but I wasn't "sad".

Being around Uncle Boots and Aunt Mildred was wonderful, they love eachother so much. It made me so happy to see that. Because I know Richard loves me as much as they love eachother. HOw lucky am I? How lucky am I to have my husband for everything I and we have been through. SUPER lucky.
I can block the sadness or let it pour, he doesn't care, he is such a rock. I don't know if there is ANYBODY else in his family like him, I think I got the catch of a lifetime. I don't know that there is anybody more perfect for me than him. When I'm sad he's there, when I'm happy he is there. How greatful I am for that.

I have a lot to say about feelings and Cooper, but I don't wanna dive into that tonight, I just had a few things to say about the past week. I think being around my family was theraputic, to be around people that love and care about me and ask me how I am doing, and bring up my son's name. I am thankful that I have them to talk about it all.

Uncle Boots and Aunt Mildred don't call everyone, people call them b/c they hear word of mouth, people drive in to see them b/c they LOVE them. I was so happy to see that Uncle Boots and Aunt Mildred were getting the opposite, they were getting an outpouring of love, even from people they haven't spoken to in YEARS and years!

Even though they have been married for over 60 years it still showed me that life is too short, if it's 19 weeks you have a baby in your belly, or 60 plus years you are married, it's never enough. In some weird way, that kind of helped me, to see that to "realize" that.

I'm sorry I know this is choppy and all over the place, but like I said I'm exhausted but wanted to say a few things. I'm sure only 2 people read this, so to you I'm sorry it's boring and choppy and makes no sense, but I just needed to say a few things before I forgot!

I will try to blog tomorrow and post some pictures from my trips!

New Hair and other stuff!

2012-01-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

So I finally got some side swept bangs, I haven't had them in years, but I have decided I love them and want to keep them around for a while!

I love it! It's fun, and Richard loves it too, which is a good thing, always!

In the summer Ava and I always went to Yogurt Nation after the park. Then that stopped when Cooper died, and I spent the rest of the summer recovering. So yesterday we were in Collierville and made a fun special stop!

She had lots of yummies in that cup! She couldn't eat half of the tiny amount she had b/c she had so many sprinkles and m&m's and cookies and fudge in it, that she got full fast.

My poor Ava Elizabeth. She hurt her knee jumping on her trampoline. So I gave her 2 tylenol and an ice pack, and she rested for about 10min. still can't jump without saying it hurts, but she seems to be playing other things just fine.

For those of you that know me, you know I'm from Louisiana and me and my whole family are die hard LSU fans. Sadly we lost the championship thanks to our stupid coach Miles and our stupid QB Jefferson.

This is a magnet made by one of the mom's in my support group, my friend Tricia.

Of course I love it!

Now for this picture, this is Richard's arm, his IV... if you know Richard you know what a BIG DEAL this needle in his arm is.

What happened?

Well, Tuesday night we were eating steak. Richard has had issues the past few weeks with foods, specially meats, getting caught up in his throat/esophagus. But he has always gotten them back up. The steak wasn't coming up. So he couldn't even swallow his own salvia and was trying to throw up but nothing really coming up b/c his stomach was blocked by a piece of steak. So he went to Somerville Methodist b/c it is right down the road. I asked him to go to Germantown Methodist but he opted for the closer one. Should have listened. I stayed home with Ava but never slept until he got sent home around 2ish. The ER doctor there did a chest ct scan and Richard told him that's not gonna get the picture of where he is having issues. They didn't listen and the CT came back fine, DUH! So the doctor sent Richard home with a zpack, even though Richard told him he can't even swallow his own saliva. The doctor said go home and relax and then you will be fine... okay so should he take a warm hot bubble bath with that too? I mean SERIOUSLY!

So after no sleep tuesday night, b/c he was so miserable. I got up WEdnesday and went to my hair appointment then came home and he went to Germantown Methodist. I took Ava with me to my afternoon doctor's appointment which is 10min. from that hospital. So we left my appointment and went to see Richard. When we got there they were doing an Endoscopy. They didn't waste time with scans and the ER doctor didn't waste his time he listened to Richard and all he said and he said he needed to see a specialist and it just so happened the gastro specialist was there and not swamped. So he came in and then they ended up with the endoscopy.

Ava and I got there and they had started the endoscopy and the nurse had Ava and I sit right outside his room. I could hear the nurses and the doctor and the machines. It wasn't fun.

The doctor comes out and explains that Richard has a ringed esophagus. It's caused by some food allergy that just comes on suddenly and generally in males in the 20's and 30's age range. He said he will want to do a food allergy test on him. They took a few biopsies just to be sure there was nothing else going on. He said Richard had to eat soft foods for the next two weeks until the biopsies come back. They will put him on steroids at that appointment for 8 weeks, which will fix the rings and make them go away. He is also taking nexium now for any acid reflux this may cause. He said he had lots of foods hung up and he just pushed them into his stomach, so he still go the benefits! haha..

Richard was HILLARIOUS all drugged out. He wanted his phone which Ava and I kept away from him, he wanted to call his mom and I wouldn't let him, I talked to her, then he wanted to call his boss (while he was still heavily medicated) and I wouldn't let him. I figured telling his boss he couldn't work the next day could wait. He had me and the doctor and the nurse laughing. I had no clue about some of what he was saying. But we are thankful he is going to be just fine!

And for once, it's Richard racking up the medical bills instead of me!

Grey's Anatomy and Losing a baby

2012-01-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

What on earth do those have in common? Last night I was watching Thursday episode. In it, Teddy makes Yang come in and recite to her word for word, step by step, the details of what happened in the surgery when Yang operated on Teddy's husband and he ended up dying. Over and Over for weeks in surgeries she would page Yang and Yang would go and over and over tell her.

I know for me, I have thought over and over and over and over and over everything that happened. Everything we did leading up the 13th, everything I did that morning before my appointment, before I knew I had just lost my son. Then the rest of the 13th I thought about over and over all that we did after, then the 14th and then the 15th. I have thought over and over everything. You don't want to believe it at first, in the beginning the next several days, you can't anyway b/c honestly you are still in such shock. I remember the day the shock wore off. The day it really hit me and I cried for hours and hours and hours, which only made my recovering from my section suck more b/c crying hurts like crazy when your stomach has recently been cut open. Thank goodness I was on Morphine extended release pills. Even now I reflect back on those days, not the same way, but you can't help it, it's only natural. I wouldn't ever wanna block any of those days b/c they are all a part of me and Cooper's life. Those days aren't the best memories but they are memories of my son.

So Teddy and a mom who lost her baby, are alike. You are in shock and need to replay it over and over and over until FINALLY the shock wears off and the tears flow.

I watched it, knowing that feeling all too well.

never thought....

2012-01-05T19:43:00.000-08:00

Just a quick little thought.... I never thought, until bawling my eyes out at Grey's, about the person who had to tell me my son was dead. That day, my scream is still just as loud as it was in the specialist office. But I haven't really REALLY thought twice about the tech who had to leave the room b/c she couldn't tell me b/c she couldn't keep it together. So the other tech, who came in, to verify and tell me. I don't know her name. She told us but of course, i don't remember. I have to say, she had the HARDEST job. Out of this WHOLE thing, she has the HARDEST job. Of course you don't say thank you, but now I feel like I want to thank her. The way she did it, how she sat with me and held my other hand, how she reminded me to calm down and get Ava out of the room. I'm sure she doesn't hear thank you EVER in the circumstances we had, but I feel like I want to. Just as I'm sure my horrible scream she won't forget, I won't forget her. So I'm going to send a card to her. I've sent thank you cards to all those who have helped, in the medical field, with my son. I don't want to leave her out, b/c honestly what she had to do isn't easy and I know it must leave her feeling like crap the rest of the day. So watching Grey's reminded me of that. Silly, i know... but it did.

FUN at Johnson Park

2012-01-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

We hadn't gotten to go to the park in months. Ava was like me in a COACH store! We all 3 had a blast. Plus, last summer I was recovering from my section with Cooper, that when I did take her to the park I couldn't really play with her and enjoy her being there.

Tomorrow it's even warmer so it's ZOO fun!

Not always the happiest way to bring in the new year....

2012-01-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

My grandpa is 91, my grandmother died 5 1/2 years ago, and since she died he has been ready to die too. They both lived VERY full lives. They were both very high ranking in the military, they have literally traveled the whole world. They were very "high society" in Baton Rouge and my grandfather in the country. My grandfather has the coolest stories to tell, as do all 3 of their kids. My grandfather was friends with Al Capone, BEFORE, he started killing people, then they parted ways and he used to leave a bottle of whiskey on my grandfather's front step every night. My grandfather wrote constitutions, etc... part for the state of Louisiana and others for the country. He helped bring down the mob, my dad and his brother and sister had to be escorted to school and home by the secret service and the secret service had to stay at the school while my dad, his brother and sister were there, there are a million other stories just as cool and exciting, that i could share, but some my grandfather has us keep very private. This man and my grandmother live a life most of us could never even phathom. Very German though, very non-emotion type people. Well... my Grandpa had a few mini strokes the past couple months, then before Christmas a big one... he woke up PISSED he was still alive... went home and got off all his meds and actually got better, we just skype'd with him on Christmas Day. Well, this morning he started bleeding out, ended up in the hospital. It's an internal bleed but they have no clue where it is coming from and he won't let them do any test nor give him blood. They can only keep him comfortable. He has now all the sudden gotten better, the doctor's say it is usually what happens in older people before they die. There is no way he will be coming home, and it's a matter of hours or days now. He did remember watching the Packers win today and was of course STOKED. I'm only sad Ava didn't get to know him how I do. I am so greatful for the visit we had the fall of 2010 and got pictures of him and Ava. I'm thankful for all the pictures I have sent him over the years of her and us, and videos, and for Skyp'ing with him on Christmas so he could see her. My dad even said tonight Grandpa was telling daddy how Ava played the harmonica for him on Christmas when we skype'd... that made me happy that he remembered that. I'm so thankful that he knows Ava and remembered something about her if this truly is his last days. That made my heart happy. I'm so thankful to have him as a grandfather, and the legacy he has left and the stories they told us, and things they taught us. He has a rose garden at his assisted living place, they have a garden and those who live there who have lost their spouse could plant something for that spouse if they wanted to. Grandpa planted a rose bush (as those were my grandmother's favorite) and it even has a little stone with her name and all on it. I would like to go back there and do that for him too, beside hers, after he dies. Grandma and Grandpa were very wealthy, talking EXTREME wealth. And while that's WONDERFUL and all, and yes we will be so thankful for the money that I am getting. AS they left money for their 3 kids and then to each of their grandkids. There are only 6 grandkids. I would like to take some of it and do something in their honor, put it towards something they would have loved, maybe the rose garden, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I know Grandpa wants us to use it so none of us are in debt, etc... but I wouldn't feel right unless I did something "FOR" him and Grandma. His laugh is one I will never forget. His voice is one I will never forget. His smile is one I will never forget. So many WONDERFUL memories. Trips we took with them, silly rules they had, no eating in the car, not even having a sip of water in the car, things like that... but that was their rules! You NEVER wore a hat around them, well guys didn't. Grandma NEVER wore pants, she didn't own any. She wore skirts. I don't really know why, she isn't pentacostal, they are Methodist, she just chose to wear skirts. Her cooking was the best in the world! I hope I get to get lots of her photo albums to tell Ava the stories. Oh and my grandmother was beautiful, she was "hot" in her day. Today isn't the ideal way to start off the year, but I'm so thankful he made it throught Christmas. I'm thankful he lived to know Ava some. I'm thankful to have Grandpa as my grandfather, I'm PROUD to call him my Grandpa.
The "anxiety" ridden part of this all is, my dad's side of the family and my dad, were all the hateful one when Cooper died, the ones who called me crazy, said i need help and medication, etc... I'm not ready to see those people. My dad STUPIDLY that day told me who said what... so I know. I dont' know if they know I know, but I know. But it's for my grandfather, and we will be staying with my stepbrother and his wife and their 3 girls, so i won't have to see those family members really except the day of the service. Nor am i really ready to be around "death" again. I don't know that I will manage to hold it together, and not even b/c i would be SO sad about my Grandpa b/c we have all been prepared for this for a while this year, it's not a surprise the surprise was that he lived through Christmas. I will be sad just being in the scenario of a funeral service again. That may sound silly to you. That may sound silly to other mom's who have lost a baby, but we are each different. WE may all have experienced the loss of our child, but that's it, we are all different in what sets us off, etc... and I'm just not ready to go be around a funeral. But I love my grandfather and I am ready to go in honor of him, in respect towards him. He is a wonderful man, and I can only pray he knows how much I love him. I tell him all the time. I'm so thankful I talked to him 3 times last week. I never do that, but last week I did. For that I am greatful. So this post is for my Grandpa Thiel.

Happy New Year 2012 and Happy Birthday Hayes!

2012-01-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful weekend spent at my Granny's and my mom's. We left Friday afternoon and enjoyed visiting Granny and eating Gumbo with her, and mom and John. Saturday morning we got up, got ready and mom and John kept Ava, so Richard and I could go see NYE with my LIFELONG best friend and her husband. Then we went to my mom's and visited with everyone, grilled out, and opened Christmas gifts, and shot fireworks. Fireworks were eventful, Matthew almost exploded and fireworks hit the power lines, Hayes burned his shirt, and I got hit. Ava watched most of them from the comfort of the inside looking out the glass door. She did come out to do sparklers and loved it! Today (new years day) is Hayes' 25th birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAYES! He was the first baby born at the hospital in 1987. And he has truly proven to be the most special person in our family. Life in our family would not be the same without our sweet Hayes. WE got home today and Richard is now at work. Below are pictures from the trip.

LA TI DA.. ...

2011-12-27T14:48:00.000-08:00

So today Richard and Ava helped me take down and put away all Christmas Decorations. I'm SO BEYOND ready for 2011 to be OVER! 2012 has HAS to be our year! NO we MAY not be welcoming a baby that now FIFTEEN of my friends are in 2012.... but BUT we aren't losing one, our house isn't gonna get broken into and they aren't going to steal all of our money out of our accounts. We will be replacing the MAC BOOK PRO, we will continue to LOVE our new home and be SO PROUD to have built our home the way we wanted it with all the super nice amenities at just the age of 30. And in the town we wanted and the lot size we wanted. Ava will HOPEFULLY get the okay to potty train in Feb. when we go back to the specialist, so I can say GOODBYE to diapers. We are FINALLY going to just do it and order Cooper's headstone, something that was so easy at first to do but then I don't know why i just stopped I couldn't do that. We are going to enjoy this year. I don't ever wanna top 2011. Because it has been the worst year of our lives COMBINED! While I still struggle to phathom the thought that I lost a child, I'm finding peace more often than not. Christmas was HARD. I had a lot of emotions, but it seemed when it was over, I felt a little relief. I can't wait for Richard to slow down at work, being able to spend more time as a family. WE also get a FABULOUS way to bring in the new year b/c my sweet brother Hayes was born on New Years Day. He is truly a gift from God to our family. And hopefully the rest of the year can be as HAPPY and WONDERFUL as Hayes is all the time. When I think of Hayes I have so many memories, some of my fave are him and Ava this summer. When mom and Hayes came to stay and take care of Ava while I had Cooper and was in the hospital then they came back to help out a couple weeks later, Ava grew to have a special bond with Hayes, that makes me happy b/c if we could all be like him, life would be so much better.

HOw SWEET is that? Hayes is the kindest person I know. And I'm thankful he and Ava got to spend time together this summer. I've learned a lot this year, about myself, about my family, friends, etc... I do know that I will be okay, life does have to go on, Cooper is a blessing in our lives, we are proud to have him as a son, Ava changes constantly and sometimes in ways I wish she wouldn't. I've learned to stand up for myself against people I wouldn't normally, and have seen my husband stand up against people he normally wouldn't to defend me and to defend Cooper. I've learned to take stupid comments and let them blow over. I know that time does heal things, but we never forget. I know that I have friends who would do ANYTHING for me in time of need and that was a wonderful gift to learn this year. I hope that 2012 only brings greatness for us. I am so proud of us as a family to all that 2011 threw at us to come out on top. But the person I am MOST proud of, is Ava. So much happened to HER. Because everything that happened this year affected her life, as well. I do hope that in time she will forget how the door looked after the breakin, and how there were tons of cops and detectives in our apartment, how she couldn't touch anything and that they took her favorite toy, the MAC. I do hope she can erase that from her memory b/c she talks about it a lot, but it doesn't seem to have really affected her, except she hasn't really wanted me gone from her at any time. So SOON we say goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012. We look forward to what the year brings.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2011-12-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

I LOVE this picture of Ava, b/c she is the spitting image of me when I was her age... I have a picture just like this, and if you only saw our faces, you wouldn't be able to tell who was who.

She wanted me to take pictures of her Christmas Eve holding all of hers and Cooper's ornaments, before we went to Chili's with Kellie, Nathan and Brayley. That's a Christmas Eve tradition we started when Ava was born.

Before going to dinner...

The camera was on ZOOM!

This picture, it is so many emotions and words all in this picture. We went to visit Cooper on Christmas Eve.

She loves doing this for Cooper.

Her gingerbread house

So she got tons of toys, so may that i couldn't even fit it all in one picture, i had to take 3 seperate pictures... but her FAVE gift Santa got her, is this harmonica. She has been wanting one, and i thought, really a harmonica? But yes, she loves it.

We had a very wonderful Christmas. And oddly enough, I wasn't that emotional with losing Cooper and him not being physically here. Going to the cemetery was such a peaceful, happy feeling, and the letters we did for him, and the picture Ava drew him, is the start of a wonderful way to incorporate our son. We had a wonderful Christmas program at church on Sunday, and I'm shocked we could pry Ava away from all her loot. Then came home and cooked and cooked, b/c we had family over for dinner. It was fun. I'm so thankful we remember the reason for this Holiday, but also we bring the magic to Ava with Santa, and all that involves. There is nothing more wonderful than the memories she is going to have from the traditions we are doing with her. I think Christmas is a wonderful way to bring people together and families closer together, gifts or no gifts. But the gifts do make it extra fun for the kids. NOW, if all these Christmas goodies would just go away so I'm not tempted!

just a few thoughts

2011-12-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

These words have been running through my head from this song "oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me.... oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me"... Talking about Christ dying for us, the Lord sacrificing his son. I can't help but to think losing my son must feel on some level what the Lord felt. I'm so thankful for my beliefs, to know that I will be with my son again. To have Cooper and Ava will be such a wonderful day. I'm so greatful for every blessing we have been given, because there have been so many even in the past few months. A huge blessing I seem to forget is that Ava and I were NOT home when the people broke into our house. I can barely even bear the thought of what would have happened if we had been home. I don't know that I would be sitting here typing this, but I do know that I would have fought them tooth and nail. You see on the news people getting robbed, etc... so much recently and how GREATFUL I am we were not home, what a blessing. Ava still gets mad that they took "her" computer and she is always asking us when we will get her another one. I'm thankful for Richard's parents for letting us borrow one of their laptops, but Ava can't work it so she isn't happy about it. I also think it will be a blessing when this year is over and we survived, a blessing if Ava comes out unscathed from all that has happened that her young little eyes have had to witness and what a trooper she has been. The biggest blessing is I do have Ava. I have her to love on, to kiss on, to hug on, to play with, to get onto, etc... Ava has no clue how much she has helped me through this journey this year. Without her I honestly don't know how I would be. Yes I would have my group and so on... but Ava really has been a huge blessing in all this. I need to remember that more when she is getting on my last nerve! And when people tell me I am spoiling her, well I lost a child, and I can't help but spoil the one I have. It's a huge blessing to have my husband. He has no idea. This has been very hard on us, but we are surviving TOGETHER and for that I am greatful. I'm so thankful for his always positive outlook on everything, to remind me when I'm being so negative. And right now I'm thankful to have Ava love me so much that she just asked me if I would come cuddle with her. So sweet. I love her so much!

Holiday fun with Ava

2011-12-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

So I've decided the best thing about the Holiday's this year are Ava. Her singing every Christmas song she knows to the top of her lungs. It's priceless we have several videos of her. She has made this Christmas, which could be my WORST Christmas of my life, a very happy one. As much as I miss my son, as sad as I am that he isn't here right now in my arms instead of me blogging, I'm so thankful to have Ava, a happy, demanding, whining, stubborn, beautiful, smart, center of attention kind of girl, loud, chatty chatty chatty, adventurous, healthy, candy loving chocolate eater, best little 3 year old in the world. She totally gets Christmas this year and it couldn't be a better year than this year for her to distract me from what could be so depressing. I'm thankful for Richard to have him. I'm thankful to say I have 2 children, a son and a daughter. While I may not have Cooper here to show off, I have him in my heart. Here are a few pictures of her in her Christmas Dress. You should know I never do a traditional colored Christmas dress for Ava. I don't know why, it's just never happened yet. I had her wear it yesterday b/c Christmas Day church is only the Christmas program from the choir, and I am not sure how pulling her away from her toys will go. She was so excited yesterday to wear her dress, she was stoked to wear sparly tights, and sparkly shoes and her sparkly bow and for me to curl her hair. I can't believe how much she has changed just from last year's Christmas picture.

I love this picture of her!

She really wanted to touch the tree.

She totally loves this dress, me too! it's super soft I want one.

Such the big girl, makes me happy and sad.

she was trying to do a pose I was doing... it wasn't working

Being silly Ava!

baby boys

2011-12-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

Okay first I wanted to say how THANKFUL I am for blogging! I'm so glad I do it. However, I must say I do it a lot more now, since losing Cooper, but this has become the place where I can say what I think and I don't really care who reads it and if they don't like it. If you don't like it then don't read it.

So the million people I know pregnant or just now had a baby, are all having BOYS. What the freak. I feel like if we did try for a baby, I would get another girl. I want another boy. I want a boy here on earth in my home with me. Not that I wouldn't love a sweet girl (even though we sold or gave away everything so either sex we'd have to buy EVERYTHING for) I just want a little sweet boy in my arms. Every sister needs a brother to protect her. Ava well she is Cooper's protector she does her job as a big sister as the only way she can here while he is there.

I can't bring myself to look at pictures of friends who just had a baby, or friends having a baby and they post ultrasound pictures. I can't. Is that HORRIBLE??? But here is the funny thing, I can look at baby pictures and ultrasounds and talk babies with all my friends who have lost a baby and this is their rainbow baby. I don't know it's different. I know them in a way you should never have to know a person. I mean most of my family would call me selfish, crazy, tell me i need help or medication, tell me i should think of the other person's feelings and not mine. I find myself doing that. but that's ENOUGH. I find it is holding me back in grieving. Why lie/torture myself with that. If my friend or family member can't understand why I don't want to see ultrasound pictures, or why I don't want to look at their pictures of their newborn baby, then they will honestly just have to get over it! I'm faced with my sister-in-laws baby shower and I don't know how I can go and honestly enjoy myself. HOW?? But then I know her well enough she is gonna be offended, my dad will call me tell me i'm selfish that he talked to them and their feelings were hurt, who cares about mine right!? What do I do???? I DON'T WANNA GO. I don't wanna go to the hospital when they have the baby. I know all of you reading this won't understand, you may think i'm stupid and will just get over it and should show up. But I can't. Yes, I'm aware that that may sever a family bond, but if that's the case then we shouldn't be "friends" anyway. I'm so deeply hurt. I RARELY tell anyone how bad I REALLY REALLY HURT. In fact the ONLY person who knows is my husband. Nobody knows how deep my hurt goes. When I let it all out, it scares Ava and goes on for a while. I think what's made it SO SO SO BAD for me is I've not had that family support. My mom and Granny have really been it for me. And really mostly my mom. I know she's my mom but I think also on some level she gets it. Her first pregnancy she miscarried and how she lost that baby was VERY traumatic VERY. So she understands that losing my baby boy was losing a huge part of my heart. She understands my need to be sad sometimes, and cry. And the rest of my family well most of them have talked about me and how I'm handling it. I mean my own Aunt said I was crazy and apparently a sibling and his wife didn't stop that... my own father allowed that conversation to happen, EVEN THOUGH he had just talked to me and knew I was fine.

I think I'm not ready to deal with all these people having babies. I would think I shouldn't have to STRESS about offending anyone of them, but sadly that's not the case. Apparently one of my cousins is having a baby boy, and can't tell me. She used to talk to me all the time now not. She didn't even tell me she was expecting, again. I had to find out from my Granny who didn't know I was the only family member who didn't know. And then she still has never told me it's a boy. I don't care! I mean what would hurt me is if a family member named their son NOah Cooper or just Cooper. Have a little bit of respect and don't do that. I know people will use that name, but closer family members should not, I would never do that to them. There are so many things that just I shouldn't have to stress about when it comes to friends/family having babies. For goodness sakes, just b/c I'm not OVER excited doesn't mean I don't want you to tell me you are pregnant. I've been made to feel like certain family members can talk to me as much as they want about their pregnancy, but that I should never bring up Cooper b/c he died and a pregnant person doesn't want to think about the possibility of losing their child too.

So you wonder why I have issues with everyone being pregnant perhaps it all stems to a "fight" with my dad, and finding out what other family members have said.

I want my baby boy, I don't want anybody else's I don't wanna hear all about anyone else's... sorry unless it's one of my mom friend's who this is their rainbow baby. Maybe it's a jealousy thing, maybe it's a pissed off thing, maybe it's simply I miss my son my baby boy and can't stand to look at another. I think if we ever DID try for another, I think with my luck I would get a girl. And again, that's fine and I would be happy just to have a HEALTHY LIVE baby, in my arms to hold every single day. But is it too much to ask with how this year has panned out, would it be TOO much to ask for a baby boy if we ever did get the chance to try again? hahaa... I'd take twins even.

Ava told me she wanted a baby sister, b/c Ashton takes her toys away... I guess she thinks a baby girl wouldn't?

little family fun at the zoo

2011-12-17T14:12:00.000-08:00

So ready to go to the zoo and see it decorated for Christmas

Checking out the sleeping bears

Ava is always silly

Oh how she was not happy the water was gone for winter

It was super tall though

Ava didn't care for the dinasour

And me and my girl at the gingerbread house on the way out

Heart made gifts

2011-12-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Ava and I went to Hobby Lobby to purchase frames and supplies to make Richard a gift from Ava, and one from me, and so I could make a "Cooper" for our home. This is the Cooper I made for the house. I'm going to put it in the guest bath as it is beach theme and has all Ava beach pictures, and now this will be in there too. It just kind of came to me on the fly. I love it, it's one of my fave pieces now.

So for Ava's gift, we got an 8x10 frame, some white THICK paper, purple and pink paint, some puffy stickers for letters and then some puffy monkey stickers. Why the monkey? Because since she was a little tiny 5lb 8oz baby we have always called her Monkey. She had so much fun helping me make this for her daddy. Then we wrapped it and put it under the tree. When he got home she was so excited and told him "daddy I made you my hand prints!!" Then she lugged the gift over to him and told him to open it. Actually she started opening it before that and then i told her to let Richard help her if she wanted him to have it already. We tried asking her if she wanted him to wait until Christmas but she said no. This gift is for him to hang on his wall in his office. He kind of loved it a lot.

Here it is! I love this so much. I think it's one of my favorite things she and I have done. She picked out the paint colors, and the monkeys/ she helped push down all the letters. I can't share the last gift yet, it's from me to Richard, and he has to wait until Christmas. We said we weren't getting eachother gifts this year as our house is our gift and we have been buying so much for the house. This year is really all for Ava. But I said I wouldn't but I HAD to make him a couple gifts. And besides, these are the best kind of gifts. Especially when it is made with so much love and deeply appreciated.

Arlington Ward and Collierville 1st Ward

2011-12-16T19:27:00.000-08:00

So most people who aren't familiar or THINK they know... The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints exist all over the world... so when we lived in Collierville we were in the Collierville 1st ward, now that we live in Oakland we are in the Arlington ward. My church is the SAME wherever you go in the world, but you switch buildings when you move b/c each ward is done on boundaries... so we live Arlington Ward boundries now. Anyway, in the Collierville Ward it was great there were many great people there but it did get a little "cliqueish" And there were a few girls who didn't like me, for no reason! They NEVER tried to get to know me, i was always nice to them, even after I knew things that were said about ME and even about Ava. I find it funny though, since they moved away the feel like they can talk to me now. Whatever! So Arlington Ward LOVE IT! I love how genuinely NICE everyone is, everyone does things together, they don't not include people, of course some people are closer to some than others, duh... but i just love it! For instance, I couldn't go to the Christmas Party b/c i'm so sick with this uti/kidney infection/kidney stone, and tonight one of the ladies, Taryn brought me 2 plates of all the goodies... it was so sweet. I've already been checked on a million times as i am "sick" and been invited to so much. It's so nice to be here. I love the city of Oakland and the people here and I love our new ward. Building a house here was the right thing to do. The Lord allowed everything to fall into place as perfectly as he did for these reasons. I mean come on who builds a house this size in a month and a half! The weather it didn't rain not ONCE out here in Oakland during that time. Many blessings. And I think loving Arlington Ward and the people there is just a huge bonus! The men and women and kids are all just super nice! Ava loves her class, there is even a little boy named Cooper in there, and that's kind of neat to her. Anyway I'm just really greatful, especially when life has thrown us a LOT of lemons.....

baby

2011-12-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

So aside from all the medical crap I have going against me if i ever wanted a baby and the crap just keeps piling up... i'm not the one who ever wanted a lot of kids, i honestly never thought about it, and Ava just happened she wasn't planned and I really believe it's a blessing, b/c I don't know when I would have been "ready" to have children. Then after having her and when i FINALLY got a small window to try and we got Cooper, then lost him, and life has been chaotic since then. Well, I asked my group on Thursday how do you get over the "fear" and try for another one? I didn't get what I was looking for, i got you just decide what's more important or the fact that we have no control over our lives... i KNOW that, I know Ava could die getting on the bus or whatever, but it's not that that bothers me... I can't explain the feeling, and people ask do we want more. I mean I don't know, but a big part of why I don't know is b/c of that fear, now I fear things differently than people b/c 3 things you think will NEVER EVER EVER happen have happened to me all 3 being bad bad things, very scary dangerous things. So I think I fear things differently than if it had only been losing Cooper. I feel like all odds are against me ALWAYS. We have prayed about it many times. No answer. It's very scary to jump into something and not be able to control what happens. So after that I talked to another friend of mine out west who lost her son. She kind of walked me through and talked it through and it was a little more comforting. I think if I had wanted several kids it would be easy no question and if i had no medical problems that i have to take into consideration it would be easier. I think when I have talked to all doctors then i will go again in prayer. I think this may end up being somnething that the Lord leaves up to Richard and me to decide for ourselves, if we do we do if we don't we don't type deal.

and the last of the 3 songs

2011-12-08T11:31:00.001-08:00

140
Did You Think to Pray?

Thoughtfully

31243, Hymns, Did You Think to Pray?, no. 140

1. Ere you left your room this morning,
Did you think to pray?
In the name of Christ, our Savior,
Did you sue for loving favor
As a shield today?

[Chorus]
Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don’t forget to pray.

2. When your heart was filled with anger,
Did you think to pray?
Did you plead for grace, my brother,
That you might forgive another
Who had crossed your way?

3. When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?

Text: Mary A. Pepper Kidder, 1820–1905

Music: William O. Perkins, 1831–1902

Psalm 5:3, 12

Mark 11:24–25

Another of the 3 songs - UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN is what's going on Cooper's headstone

2011-12-08T11:30:00.001-08:00

152
God Be with You Till We Meet Again

Reverently

31243, Hymns, God Be with You Till We Meet Again, no. 152

1. God be with you till we meet again;
By his counsels guide, uphold you;
With his sheep securely fold you.
God be with you till we meet again.

[Chorus]
Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet,
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

2. God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you,
Put his arms unfailing round you.
God be with you till we meet again.

3. God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you;
Smite death’s threat’ning wave before you.
God be with you till we meet again.

Text: Jeremiah E. Rankin, 1828–1904

Music: William G. Tomer, 1833–1896

2 Thessalonians 3:16

Numbers 6:24–26

One of 3 songs that I can't stop thinking of today

2011-12-08T11:28:00.001-08:00

Count Your Blessings

Brightly

31243, Hymns, Count Your Blessings, no. 241

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end

SNOW, SNOW, SNOOOOW!!!

2011-12-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

We woke up this morning to a nice white surprise, needless to say it's really deep, and covers Ava's boots in a lot of places. Now, it's time to get ready to go see Cooper. Ava wants to throw snowballs with him. LOVE HER!

Week...

2011-12-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

So, today is Tuesday evening, this week is THE week. Noah Cooper French was due December 8th. He left us a little earlier than planned. I've been in a funk yesterday and today. I don't know how Thursday will be but if this is any sign, it's going to be EMOTIONAL and HARD. We are going to go to Paint A Piece, tomorrow b/c my husband works Thursday afternoon-evening.... and I NEED to do something for Cooper. So I thought we could all 3 make something. It's a struggle this week. My heart is literally hurting this week. I'm hoping to survive Thursday, and I know I will b/c I will be surrounded with my husband and Ava, then that night with my support group. If only I could totally take my mind off of it, but then I can't take my heart away. Nobody said it was easy, but I really hope the day goes easier than I am feeling now. Just because my family goes on with life and forgets, and is so wrapped up into other family members that just had a baby or are expecting, doesn't mean I get to go on and pretend this day isn't fast approaching. It's right here. I know whomever reads my blog will know what December 8th is, but I doubt anybody else will. My mom may remember, as she has talked about it. What a day to have to remember.

AVA and a magical Christmas

2011-12-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

My mom made Christmas special and so real and magical and I am trying to do that for Ava. Here are a few pictures. She is so into it this year and really understands Santa and the magic that is Christmas.

she LOVES Santa this year!

Ready to go shopping to get some more Christmas decorations!

BLACK FRIDAY OF COURSE

Santa left Ava a specail letter

Santa even sent snow, just for Ava in November!

Stockings for Christmas

2011-12-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

So most people hang up their stockings without batting an eye. This year, I have 4 stockings hanging, and I always will. Cooper's was picked by Ava, as we all did new stockings this year. He has the penquin stocking holder and penquin stocking to match. She has the frosty stocking holder and frosty stocking to match, as picked by her. And I want her to be a part of it. We have something very special we plan on doing every year for Christmas, that i will share after we do it. But i find myself looking at the 4 stockings and LONGING for Cooper to be here in my arms. But he isn't, he is in my heart instead. I'm so glad we decided to make him a part of Christmas, he is, afterall, our son. Somebody recently tried to tell Richard he shouldn't bring Cooper up, in a defending manner due to the lack of somebody not calling who should have when we lost Cooper. Needless to say Richard defended Cooper, and that was the first time he has had to do that. I was so proud of him, and so touched. In that moment Cooper wasn't dead, he was alive it was as if Cooper were standing right there and Richard was protecting him, as we do Ava. I'm so thankful to be Cooper's parents. He isn't dead to us. He is as real as we are. We love him, and this Christmas season we will remember him. To start here is my mantle.

ROCKETTES!

2011-12-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

Me, Brayley, and my mom before the show at the hotel

Me, Brayley, and Kellie before the show at the hotel

We had such an amazing time! I enjoyed a day away from Ava, and thankful for my Granny to come up and keep Ava. Me and mom drove to Nashville to meet Brayley and Kellie at their hotel. We came back last night, mom dropped me off around midnight and she got home at 2. TIRED today, needless to say. It was a very magical show, and the detail and preciseness of the Rockettes was AMAZING. I can't wait until Ava is older and we do Christmas in NY and go see them at Radio City, that will be the BEST! But for now, the Nashville show was unlike anything I could have imagined. It was so fun to have a girls day.

Singing Ava

2011-11-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have some videos of Ava we need to post on FB. They aren't just any videos, they are of her little "concerts" she puts on for us. She sings Holly Jolly Christmas, Rudolph, Santa's Elves, Silver and Gold, Misfits... if you don't recognize the last 3 songs they are from the Burl Ives movies, Ava has the Burl Ives CD with all those songs from those movies on it. Who needs Christmas CD's when Ava is belting it out all day. She's so cute! She pretend pulls open her curtain, then says 1,2,3,4,5 HIT IT! then starts singing, then she will stop singing and pull the curtain down and bow... SO CUTE! love her! She has a sweet little singing voice too. She is such a light in our lives. She is the most loving, kind, cuddly, smart little girl I have ever known. I'm honored to be her mother. It seems just yesterday she was born, and now she is 3 and the world to us. Sometimes I question if she really gets just how much how MUCH I love her, and how MUCH she means to us, and just about that time, she will run to wherever I am and give me a huge hug and say "i just love you so much" and snuggle me. One of the many best things about being a mom, especially to a little girl. Another is watching her be that sweet with her daddy, there is NOTHING like seeing a daddy and his little girl together. BEAUTIFUL!

December 8th

2011-11-30T19:44:00.000-08:00

December 8th holds a WHOLE new meaning to me. It's a date that will forever be marked in my heart. It's a date probably nobody but me and my husband will remember every year. It's a date that will probably be very very hard for me this year, maybe not as each year passes, but THIS year. December 8th is my sweet Noah Cooper's due date. The date is quickly approaching, and my anxiety is slowly rising. I don't know how I will feel that day, I don't know what I will need to do to make it through that day. I am thankful my husband closes b/c I will get to spend half the day with him. Then that evening I get to spend with the most and only people that understand what I'm going through, my support group moms. Thank goodness! Then that weekend, Collierville Funeral Home has done the most generous thing. For those of us who have lost a loved one, they had an ornament created for the person we lost with their name on it. So the event is Sunday the 11th, and I feel that is the MOST appropriate way to end a weekend that will not be the easiest for me.

Sacred

2011-11-28T19:32:00.000-08:00

Just to start, my son, Cooper is a person who is so sacred to us. So that's to start. A family member who wanted nothing to do with my husband, me and my daughter, recently got in touch with my husband... this person chose to not have anything to do with us, hasn't bought my child a gift in I don't know how long, etc... Anyway, he told this person we could look past everything except the fact that this person didn't even so much as text when we lost Cooper. This is a family member you EXPECT a phone call from at the LEAST. But this person couldn't put their pride aside. It hurt my husband DEEPLY. So he told this person that... and excuses came... not a "I'm so sorry I should have called but I didn't and I'm very sorry".... convo goes on and we knew this person was told what happened right away, this person expected us to have told them that we were pregnant with Cooper, then that we lost him, and even about the walk... when this person hasn't been a part of our lives for a very long time. It bothers me that excuses and this conversation went like it did. my son is SACRED... when you lose your child you don't say OH LET ME CALL this person that hates us and wants nothing to do with us... no sorry you don't. My son isn't up for debate, how and who we told isn't up for debate we did no wrong. We didn't call people over the next few days and say "guess what we lost our son!" yay!.... we had no time to sit and think b/c it was decision time for the next 10days. I'm glad my husband is trying to work this out with this family member, but that family member should have just apologized. I don't appreciate this person trying to blame me and my husband for them not even texting... when somebody has made it clear a veeeery long time ago they want nothing to do with you and your little family, why would you call them?? Just frustrating... I don't expect anybody to get this... it's just my child isn't for excuses... just MAN UP and admit you were in the wrong so everyone can move on. For goodness sakes, it's neither here nor there with us, but i can say that a conversation about my son who died will not go on like that ever again. Be accountable for your actions or lack thereof in this situation. We would love to move past everything so everyone can be together, but excuses can't happen, and FOR SURE not blaming it on US who LOST our son. Some people.... I swear....

church

2011-11-27T15:52:00.000-08:00

Today, at church, it's the same church just now in Arlington b/c we moved... so we get to make new friends and meet new people, but still have the same church. One of the things I love about my church. Anyways, as they asked me to introduce myself, the last hour, which is called Relief Society. It's for the women who don't have callings in church and it's nice, when you don't have a calling and get to go be with and meet all the women. Anyways, as I told them how many kids I have. I noticed that room was full of teary eyes. But I didn't tear up, not b/c it's easy, but today I felt such joy when thinking of Cooper. If just that little tidbit affected them, I thought, what would the stories of all us moms in my support group, how would that affect a room full of people. After church a lady came up to me (i'm AWFUL at names) and told me how she lost her daughter 7mts. to SIDS. It was 5 years ago I think she said. But she came up to me and told me she was always looking for other women who share her grief. I told her about my support group. She now has other kids. I love being at church, even if it's rainy and freezing outside. But today especially. I'm so thankful for my faith. I'm thankful for what I believe, and I'm thankful for my friends and family that help to me get through each day of my life as I now know it. So to all of you, THANK YOU.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2011-11-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

My adorable Catarina... Halloween was GREAT and chilly... she got loads of candy and loved ringing the doorbells.

Taylor Swift

2011-11-27T15:09:00.000-08:00

So a few days before Taylor Swift came to Memphis on October 30th Richard got a call from his district manager. Rich told Richard what a hardworker and amazing worker he was and just really wanted to see if Richard and I would like to go to the Taylor Swift show. I love her, so of course I was SUPER excited! So we had the whole meet and greet package! We got to meet her, we had 2 pics signed, one for Brayley and one for Ava, b/c Ava is her biggest 3yr. old fan ever! We were on the floor SIX rows back! So close that her lead guitarist was throwing out picks at the end, and one went down my shirt... and my bra caught it.. hehee... funny... and of course they all saw it happen so they all laughed up on stage... it was funny... but I have to say it was what we needed after all the CRAP we had been dealt. It was such a fun long date night with my husband. He was SO GOOD to take tons of pictures... It was an AMAZING show, like a broadway production. Thank you Target and Richard!

Us Thiel kids and our families

2011-11-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

Ava with her cousins

2011-11-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

Family Pictures

2011-11-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving

2011-11-27T14:58:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ava ate a ton of Turkey, which she doesn't even eat chicken, unless it's from Mickey D's or Chic-fil-a.... so i was suprised! The morning I woke up with a tug at my heart, but managed to make it a wonderful day. It is such a great Holiday to have lots of family and to just be greatful.

VENT SESSION

2011-11-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, if you are pregnant and reading this, don't take this personal, unless you are pregnant and have experienced the loss of a child and this is your rainbow baby you are pregnant with, then you get it and won't be offended. BUT WHY ON EARTH DO I KNOW TWELVE FREAKING PREGNANT PEOPLE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! out of all 12 that i know, I got told from 3 of them that they were expecting before they told the world (fb)... the suckiest was the person who told everyone in the families except me. When I told people that I wanted to know when they were pregnant but that I probably wouldn't wanna sit and talk about their pregnancy all the time, that meant just that. That didn't mean I didn't wanna be told you were pregnant. I don't want ANY of your children. I want Cooper, that's all. He's the only one I want. I don't have him here in my arms, that's just the way it is. I am not MAD that a person is pregnant, b/c I am not trying to get pregnant so it doesn't bother me to make me MAD. It's just the one time in my life when 12 people would be pregnant that I know, would just so happen to be all after I lost my son. Am I happy for those that are pregnant yes. Do I wanna go to a baby shower, etc... neh not really. Do I expect anyone to understand that, no. But there are some of you that have lost your child and this is your rainbow baby. I'm so very happy for all of you and I DO want to hear how your pregnancy is going. I can only imagine the fear everyday that all of you have. Stupid comment I heard, was this person told me she didn't understand why you wouldn't tell people until the baby was here and why on earth would you be scared it was going to happen again. I HATE IDIOT comments like that. The problem with those people... they don't TRY to understand so they just make stupid comments. I wouldn't wish this upon anybody. I was also told that I jump down somebody's throat if they get it wrong about some things that happened with Cooper. I'm prettty sure I haven't... I'm pretty sure there was one person I yelled at b/c he told me I was "crazy" and needed "help". To them Cooper doesn't matter b/c he wasn't here for them to see... but what should matter are my feelings. I get that the world goes on for everyone, but me. My world is changed FOREVER and will never be the same, neither will I so stop waiting for me to be the same. I know i'm talked about behind my back probably by those closest to me. That's okay b/c they are obviously idiots. I don't think it mattered that I lost Cooper instead of Ava. They are both my children it would be just as hard if I lost Ava, it wouldn't be "easier" to have lost Cooper. He was in my belly, i saw him, i heard his heart, i felt him move, I saw him moving in my belly. The love for him is no different than my love for Ava. They are both my children. As tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I reflect on the past few months, i think how CRAPPY it's been. But I am thankful for our beautiful new home, and my little family here on earth. But tomorrow will not be an easy day for me, see Cooper would have been delivered either right before Thanksgiving or right after. As his due date, December 8th is coming I have harder days and nights, i cry harder and longer, and the miss I have there are no words. So please excuse me if I seem "down" right now and not so happy, but I lost my son.

life has handed us lemons and we are TRYING to make lemonade

2011-10-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

So a few of you know this, but on October 7th our house got broken into. Ava and I left our house that morning at 11:03, and b/c we use this online backup service to backup everything on our MAC, they were able to tell us our computer got disconnected at 11:26. That is 23 minutes after we walked out of the house! I've been raped, 4 years ago and so this is a whole nother violation. I think b/c of the rape it's made me very afraid to even be in the house with my husband there. So, anyway we had gone to ChickFilA to meet the Mallory girls, one last time before they moved to Tampa on Saturday after Ava's birthday party. So then after that Ava and I had to run a couple errands and got home around 2ish. Well, Ava hopped out of the car and started to run up to the front door, and then she stopped and yelled "mom!" so I quickly walked around the corner to see her and I could tell the front door was open, I just couldn't see the damage done... so I yelled with much urgency for Ava to get back to me NOW. She listened for ONCE! There happened to be 2 cop cars sitting there so we got them, and they casually walked up and then he asked did i ever leave my door unlocked and i said no.... as they walked up to the front door the casualness went away, they pulled out guns and flashlights and started yelling. I was TERRIFIED, even though we had 2 cops with guns inside the house, i was still afraid... so i moved Ava and myself away from any windows. AFter several minutes go by one cop comes out, and one of the girls from the front office was with Ava and me standing outside. So he comes out and tells me it's not good somebody has broken in. I instantly started crying b/c all I could think was we had a 2100dollar MAC laptop and on the table, i knew they took it. This laptop had all my pictures of Cooper all our videos of us with Cooper in the hospital... and I had forgotten that Richard backed everything up about a month prior on Carobnite. A service of which I said 55dollars a year for that, that's crazy, now I'm thankful thankful for it, b/c when we get a new computer or our old one back I can retrieve all our pictures, etc... Anyway after having to walk in the apartment with Ava and explain to Ava she can't touch ANYTHING, she was VERY good about it, but she was out of sorts, you know she sensed that everything was wrong, and she saw the door, they literally ripped the frame and the door off... she saw me cry, she heard the urgency in my voice, etc... so after 2 hours of talking to detectives, cops, and the front office I was DONE, I was so DONE, Richard got there, and we packed up everything after they put on the new frame and door and went to my brothers. Ava's party and Cooper's walk were the next morning, and so i had to pack up EVERYTHING. The walk and party went off AMAZINGLY well! The people took our computer and 2 of our big VIZIO LED tv's, and remotes, and my wii sensor (stupid) so I can't do wii until we get a new sensor. Anywho, so time goes by, and then this past Friday Richard calls to tell me i can't use our debit card and he wasn't sure about our American Express yet. Turns out the day after they took the stuff out of our house they took a LARGE amount of money out of our account, putting us at like negative $3400. The guy made a fake ID and somehow obtained Richard's drivers license number, he had our account number, and so that was the straw that broke me, that phone call... these people... ya know take my stuff that's one thing but mess with my kid or my money and i will hunt you down and you will pay. Anyway, they did it it at 3 diff. banks in Memphis, and luckily they have him on camera, so anyway it's a long long case, and these people are not only facing time for braking into my house, but now federal offenses too! YAY! i want them to rot and suffer. For me, I think in LESS than a year i lost my son, somebody broke into my house, and then they stole all our money, etc... emotionally I don't know how I am hanging in there excpet for hte fact we do get to move into our new house next weekend, it should be finished by then! and my faith. I'm so thankful for my religion for my faith, for what I personally believe in. I'm thankful for prayer, and for my husband and daughter, and for the family that has let us basically move in with them. I'm thankful for strength. I may feel crazy and look crazy, but I know eventually the crazy will settle and we will feel safe again and life will return back to how it was before the breakin.

Emotions

2011-09-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

SO MANY emotions the past few days, and I don't know why, except I will have good days and bad. Not that these days are "bad" they are just emotional. I feel like as the Holiday's get closer or even just October I feel a hurt in my heart. Because originally, October was the month I had to decorate for Christmas and wash all my new baby clothing and put together all the baby furniture, and clean my house from top to bottom like CLOROX clean, and have Ava's party here and her party in Meridian and Halloween. No, he wasn't due until December 8th, BUT with my cyst and all she was going to take him before Thanksgiving. So in November I didn't want to be doing all that crap. So instead, October is not all I wanted it to be, I will be celebrating Cooper on October 8th at the Walk to Remember. Then on October 15th we will do something very special as it is Infant and Pregnancy loss awareness day, NATIONALLY. But I try to be positive, b/c I get to do that with some new and wonderful friends, I do get to do all the fun party stuff for Ava, and we are MOVING, we are packing and preparing to move into a new home. So I do have some wonderful stuff to be very thankful for, but it still doesn't take away my emotions. At my Granny's 80th I know of some little infant babies that will be there and my anxiety is SO high I had to take a xanex. I'm not ready to be around babies like that, for sure not to hold them, it's all too soon. As much of a sweet blessing babies are for all moms, and as happy as I am for every mother that gets a healthy baby, I just can't do it right now. A dear friend told me this and I'm not quoting b/c i don't know exactly how she worded it, so this is a lose quote of it "it's hard enough to grieve once, much less do it all over again" so in other words, I have to think of MYSELF, ME, not them not the other people, but just me, b/c if I hold it in and "fake" be excited about a baby and hold one, that it's only gonna build up and I will have to cry about it and be mad at some point. I find myself more often than not making sure I am "protecting" others feelings, and not my own, not saying to be rude, b/c that won't make anything okay, but just do what is BEST for me. Anyway, so it's just been an emotional few days. Yesterday Ava with Cooper was so sweet. As a mom I can't even begin to express in words what a special moment that was. I don't get to watch my kids both "physically" play together, but I get to watch a love that is bigger than anything that could be put into words. Watching Ava play with her brother the only way she can, it made me happy but sad, that's when I feel so HORRIBLE that I couldn't give her that brother, that she doesn't have him here, that he isn't going to be here for them to play in the pool together, fight, color, get on each others nerves and so on... we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as mother's, so in my shoes the pressure is enormous! And nobody is doing it to me but myself. I see Ava with babies and younger kids and it breaks my heart b/c I wanted to give that to her, and I did, just not the way I wanted. So I guess the next several months can just be expected to be emotional with the Holidays, and Cooper would have been here, then his actual due date, and so on... so I guess I should buckle up and invest in more kleenex!

2011-09-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

And on the way home the Lord gave us this beautiful creation to finish a perfect evening

2011-09-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Visiting my friends little boy, John David, who is in the same cemetery as Cooper

2011-09-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

Add Richard and it makes it the BEST place on earth

2011-09-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

me in one of my favorite spots in the world, with my two children

2011-09-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

She left him her rose

2011-09-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

Playing rocks with Cooper and trying to jump really high so he can reach them

2011-09-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

Telling him the colors of balloons

Cooper today

2011-09-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today, we went to visit Cooper and I wanted to just share a few pictures. I haven't cried since the graveside service, so I don't know what sparked it today when we went. Ava was playing with her brother the only way she can and maybe that got me, I don't know. She sang to him, and talked to him, and played rocks with him. To most of you, you don't get it, but to us it makes PERFECT sense. I can only imagine the kind of big sister she would be if he was here in our house alive, b/c the kind of big sister she is with him in our hearts is AMAZING.

OCTOBER

2011-09-27T07:33:00.001-07:00

With October right here, I'm remembering EVERYTHING that October is for us. First it's my sweet Ava's birthday! October 9th! She will be 3. I can't believe it! But my Granny's birthday is October 3rd, but this Friday we are having her birthday party. Then the 8th of October holds two very special events for us. First it's a walk for pregnancy and infant loss. So for us, it's a walk for Cooper TEAM COOPER! After that is over, then it's off to Ava's birthday party! She is very excited, and I'm excited for her, we are painting pumpkins, and the whole thing is pumpkin theme. She's getting Sketcher Twinkle Toe shoes, a necklace from Cooper that has hers and Coopers names and a butterfly in the middle and their birthstones. Then I made her a very special photo album on Snapfish. It's all about Cooper and her. It's not sad though, it's happy, I made it as if she were saying everything, and included all the fun stuff we have done in between all this. It's never been depressing and sad for her, I made sure of that. I'm very proud of this book, and she will have it for the rest of her life. Then I ordered her T-Bone and Clifford and Emily Eliazabeth. I ordered her the Clifford Halloween Movie and an Abby book Abby from Sesame Street. Anyway I think that's all I got her. I feel like I'm forgetting something. So she will be over the moon excited. And we always have done on her actual birthday a little cake, and i fill her room up with balloons, however this year I may fill the living room up instead b/c that's easier to do while she is sleeping! She will get her gift from Cooper on her birthday and one gift from us on her birthday, the rest she will get to open at her party. Then October 15th is National pregnancy and infant loss awareness, so we will probably go visit Cooper and release some balloons, then that weekend we have to go to Meridian for Ava's birthday party down there. I think it's all chuckecheese theme for that one. Then on the 22nd we are having family pictures done and then it's Halloween! What a crazy busy FUN month with some tears, and on top of ALL that, I have to pack for us to MOVE!!! So October is busy, exciting with some emotional events going on, but I'M READY!

daddy/daughter moment that is my FAVE

2011-09-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

I love this picture, I adore it. We now wish we would have done this picture with Cooper, just for us to have, but does this not melt your heart!

2011-09-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've got several other pictures of Granny and me, but I wanted to use this one. She is with me in one of the biggest days of my life (having Ava) and she has been there for me for all the biggest days and important days and I am forever grateful to have her as a Granny.

2011-09-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

Ava loves to get on Granny's swing with her

2011-09-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

So cute

2011-09-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

Ava in Pa's chair, again

2011-09-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

Granny and Ava on Ava's blessing day

2011-09-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

Ava in Pa's chair

2011-09-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Ava's first spring, and Granny

Granny & Pa

2011-09-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

So a few of you know this couple, most of you don't. That man in that picture is my Pa and the woman is my Granny. Pa and Cooper share the same funeral date. I know that's not an exciting date to remember, but it's very special for me. Pa was like a father to me, I loved that man and I wanted to marry a man like him. I think I did as good a job as I could b/c I am not quite sure any other man on earth could honestly completely compare to Pa, but Richard comes very close. He died 6 years ago this past July. I asked my Granny if it was okay to do Cooper's service the same day, and of course she said yes, in fact she wanted me to do that. It's something Pa and Cooper can share and Granny and I will always remember. My Granny is turning 80 October 3rd. So the next few pictures are of her. I love her to pieces, my relationship with her is very strong and very close. They have a marriage I wanted to have, and I do have as close to one as I can like theirs is. Granny is a very strong woman, and I'd like to think I get a lot of how "strong" I have been through this with Cooper from her side of the family, my mom, all of us women were kind of taught to be strong and independent. So I'm going to celebrate her. We are having a huge party at the church October 1st, and there are TONS of people going. I'm so excited, as she is very excited and overwhelmed with how many friends want to help and be in on this party for her. She deserves it.

A huge CHUNK of my heart....

2011-09-23T07:39:00.001-07:00

So as most of you know we are building a house! It will be finished at or around the end of October. As excited as I am, there is a part of me that wants to cancel it and stay here. Collierville isn't really our home. We've only lived here a little over 3 years. The only part of Collierville that will forever be a home to me is my son. My sweet little Cooper. Yes, I love Collierville, but am very excited to be moving to Oakland and in our house and it's designed how WE want it and so on... so that's all very exciting to have 4 bedrooms and tons of room and a huge backyard for Ava. But as the days get closer I can't help but to be VERY sad. A huge CHUNK, not piece but a CHUNK of my heart will forever be here. I can go to Magnolia Cemetery whenever I want as it's only about 5min. or so from my house. But Oakland it will take me about 30min. or so. So I've decided on Monday's after Ava has dance, we will go to lunch and then we will go see Cooper. That will be what we do every Monday. Then when Richard is off and he wants to go we will go then too. I feel like being here in Collierville I can check on him after a storm to make sure there are no limbs, etc on his little grave. All these things that I can do for him, I soon won't have that luxury of a quick drive over just to see. So as excited as I am for Ava and us to have all this room, I'm very sad. I know eventually we will also be transferring and that means hours away or a plane trip away. The thought is heart breaking. I can't check on Cooper the same way you check on your child, how I check on Ava, I worry about Cooper in a different way than I worry about Ava. I worry about his grave. Ava gives me a million everyday mommy worries. I will always have a chunk of my heart here in Collierville, TN it will always be a "safe" place for me. I can come here go visit my son and feel peace. Ava will be sad we can't just go visit him and do balloons whenever she wants. But life has to go on. Richard and I have to do what's best for the family we have here in our home. I just don't want to, I wanna bring Cooper with us to each spot we move to. But I can't. And, I know it's just his bones there, his little spirit is not there. I know that. But it's still a comfort and a peace to visit him. So while I am excited to move into a home built just for us, and how fun it is to see Ava SO SUPER excited for a playroom and a bigger bedroom, and to get a trampoline, etc... I can't help but be sad.

Ava and Target SCARE

2011-09-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today Ava and I went to the Germantown Target, the one on Poplar and Forest Hill. We never really go over there but i wanted to check out pillows for my new living room (when we move in a month and a half) and to look at their halloween stuff, b/c Ava's party is Pumpkin theme. So we are in the back of the store, and I turned my back for a second to put my phone in my purse, she was just a few feet away looking at a pillow pet. Literally a couple seconds I turn around and WHERE IS AVA. I walk to the aisle and look and she's not there, so then I knew she was not close by me. I see a kind lady who said she saw her go that way, and the lady stayed with my purse and shopping cart. I darted off yelling her name, looking for a Target Employee as I am running down every aisle trying to find Ava. People were helping me saying they saw her, but not too much help. Then as minutes have gone by I stop, b/c the whole store is spinning, my heart is out of my chest, my head is very light, i want to puke, i want to scream, i want to cry, and i want to punch something... b/c in that moment for most of you it's panic, for me it was panic topped with the thought I just lost my son, PLEASE not my daughter too, i started thinking somebody snatched her. You may think oh she will kick and scream. Ava kicks and screams all the time in Target and I'm shocked people don't think I'm kidnapping her. So I allow that thought just for a second, and then I start moving again and think I have to shut that thought out before I let it overcome me. But the emotion I felt when I was told Cooper had died, is this same emotion, and I knew I couldn't let it happen. So I'm running and finally I see a glimpse of her at the front of the store by the pharmacy, and I'm BOOKING it and still yelling her name not caring what I may look like to anybody in that store. I just wanted to shout to them GRAB HER!!!!! So finally I grab her, and she's giggling. In that moment my heart melted, I fought back tears and I hugged her, but still felt so mad at her for doing that to me. We had a long talk about it, and then I put her in the back of the shopping cart so she couldn't get up again. She cried the whole rest of the shopping, and I did not care. I'd rather her cry the biggest cry and pitch a royal fit than for that to ever happen again. Tonight as I tucked her in bed she wanted me to say the prayer, and I thanked Heavenly Father for protecting her and for me finding her. She then told me, "mommy, I was naughty in target and made you cry"... I assured her i wasn't crying b/c of her running away from me, but crying b/c i was so happy i had her in my arms. I hope this never happens again, b/c I had the biggest headache and felt so sick for several hours after that, i can't handle that again.

SUPPORT

2011-09-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

So I go to a support group, as most of you know. Support comes from people in many different ways, for my sister it was getting Ava the moment I called her from the specialists office, and organizing eating at her house after the funeral and helping with Ava. For my mom it was coming to stay with Ava while I was in the hospital, and then again after Richard went back to work. For my Granny it was cards and plants and phone calls. For friends it was little special gifts, and text messages and so on... but aside from my husband the BEST support I have found, and probably better than my husband in a different way, is my Support Group. I started going in August, we meet once a month and it was the day before my one month mark since Cooper was delivered. Some may think WOW that's quick, but for me it was a no brainer. I have experienced a couple other very traumatic things in my life, so I knew what I needed to do. I say these women may be better than Richard, only because they all TRULY know what I feel b/c they all carried the baby they lost, too. Nobody judges you in that room, we are all friends, and all understand. It's almost like a given, unspoken. You don't have to say anything we all just "get it". I feel "safe" there. We all have a different story. While I don't know everyone's yet, the bits and pieces I do know make these women who they are today. I can say by listening to others, I am thankful I never had to chose between life support and death, and so on. I am thankful I got to carry him as long as I did, though not long enough, I did carry him for a while, long enough to have shopped tons and tons for Cooper, and register at 4 different places, to feel little kicks, to have tons of pregnancy symptoms, crazy hormones, exhaustion, and so on. Long enough so that Ava came to truly love her brother. To see what an AMAZING big sister she is and wanted to be to Cooper. Ava isn't aware, but in her own way she is a support for me. To see her and how she loves Cooper and talks about him and wants to go visit him. Back to my support group, nobody says anything stupid, nobody gives you "that look". I clicked right away with one of the ladies, b/c her story and mine are so crazy almost the same, even down to each of us having something wrong with our brains. We had the same specialist, the same dates. So on July 13th 2011 when I was getting my horrifying news, it marked a year for her since she got hers. On July 15th when I was having my section. It marked a year for her since she delivered her daughter. Isn't it funny, such a small world. Another lady there, she's had some of the same problems with family that I have, and her little boys name is the same as one of my brother's, Hayes. There are SO MANY levels in which we all connect in that room. They have been the kindest most loving people. I am thankful for their support. I am thankful for this group. I am thankful for being brave enough to go, and thankful for the lasting friendships I will cherish. So if you ever see any of us out for lunch or breakfast or whatever, you may see one of us shed a tear, or to you it may be a "disturbing" conversation you overhear, but that's us, that's our normal. We get it, you don't have to. Again, I'm so thankful for these women.

Our wishes

2011-09-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

I've been very sad this week, missing Cooper. I can't seem to shake it, and finally I've totally broken down and cried my eyes out. Not that this is the first time I've done that, but since I've been so sad this week. I opened our Memory Box and held the pictures of him so close to me and just remembered holding him in the hospital. Then I pulled out a book I received in a big package of things from my support group the book is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry... There Are No Tears in Heaven. It's a very short read, very sweet and beautiful. You think it's a children's book almost. Then in the back there are places for you to write different things. One of the sections is My Thoughts and Prayers for You. I wrote in this section only the night I got the package. I started off saying "All we wanted was for you to be healthy and in our arms. You are now very healthy and we held you in our arms." So as I pulled out the book and flipped to that section today, there was my answer to my sadness, no it doesn't take it away but it reminds me. I'm reminded of what a special spirit Cooper is, to only need a body for such a short time then be able to return to live with our Heavenly Father. The Lord gave us what we wanted, just not how WE wanted to have it. Cooper is healthy and already was by the time we held him. What a simple blessing that fills a HUGE hole in my heart. We are a better family because of Cooper. I am so grateful for that sweet spirit in our lives. Pretty much all of you who read my blog won't quite understand. I think a big part of my healing has been what I believe. I'm so thankful for the church and being raised in the church and having such a knowledge of the Gospel. I've not experienced anger, or depression, or felt like I just couldn't go on. There are some things that have brought us such happiness and joy. Like, Ava, the way she is with Cooper, and about Cooper. She has such a connection to her brother and it brings me such sweet happiness and a joy that is overwhelming. Cooper, and losing him, has put me in contact with some of the most amazing women I will ever meet. It's giving me the opportunity to make an impact and help other parents in our situation and so on. The Lord knows the desires of our heart, while we wanted Cooper here, the Lord never gives us anything we can't bear. I do believe it's how we handle these situations we have to chose. You may lose some friends along the way b/c they don't understand, or some family members relationships may change with you b/c they don't understand. But it doesn't matter. My goal is for my family to all be together again someday. I strive even harder, now, thanks to Cooper. So while my sadness is not totally gone, opening this book and reading what I had written and it sinking in, I am grateful our wishes were fulfilled.

My birthday

2011-09-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

So I turned 30!!! I'm excited! I'm not one of those people that stresses about age, b/c i don't feel 30 I guess. But it is true with age you become more comfortable with who you are and confident, not just turning 30, but as I've gotten older. Anyway, I got my ring last week. I got a family ring, it's BEAUTIFUL! It has all 4 of our birth stones in it. We took Ava to Chuck E Cheese this weekend and then the next day we went to the Delta Fair. I thought she would be afraid of the rides but she rode lots with her little friend Skylar. It was so cute to watch. Then we had to get back home for the Ole Miss vs. BYU game, Richard being an Ole Miss fan. Then it was the LSU vs. OREGON game... of course we won! Geaux Tigers! Ole Miss lost. We had hot wings and different chips and dips. Monday was Labor Day, Ava and I met our besties at ChicFilA for lunch and ended up being there almost 3 hours. We only left b/c I had to go and run home grab the dips and chips and beans I was bringing to Kellie's for dinner. Kellie's was fun, it was so nice out the kids played outside and jumped on the trampoline while us adults sat outside snacking on the dips and chips and visiting. Tuesday was my birthday! Ava let me stay in bed until TEN! I didn't sleep the whole time b/c she kept wanting more and more food, but still to relax in bed was WONDERFUL. Then we got ready and went to visit Cooper. It was such a fun visit, the wind was blowing so hard and blowing the balloons like crazy, Ava loved it so much. She gets so excited to go see Cooper, it makes me a very happy mom. She's starting to ask why Cooper won't get back in my belly and live with us, and ask if he can come down from the clouds to play toys. I ask her doesn't she remember where Cooper is and she says he is living in the clouds with Jesus and the balloons. As a mom, it breaks my heart these questions, but I keep it together and we talk and go on. I never want to deter her from asking. But visiting him on my birthday she was so full excitement it made it that much more special. That was my favorite part of the day. Then we went to the mall and goofed off. Richard brought home Ghengis Grill - LOVE! I didn't feel like going out to eat, i just wanted a quiet evening at home. So all in all I had a WONDERFUL birthday weekend and birthday. I even put off doing house work, and today as I'm stressed with how much I have to do around here, I remember why I do clean and pick up every single day! Speaking of house, we are building! We will move the first week of November! yay! OH OH and I almost forgot... my bestie Casey in California, she sent me a TIFFANY & CO. necklace! She said you only turn 30 once, she's such a sweet friend I love her to pieces.

My Ballerina

2011-08-26T08:29:00.001-07:00

This was her very first day of Dance. I thought it was at 11, but it was at 10, so I only had time to snap one pictures b/c we were in a HURRY. We made it on time. I hate these nude color tights, but I couldn't find pink in her size anywhere. But the studio had some pink ones, so now she has pink too. Pink is much cuter.

Ava and her BOB

2011-08-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

She wanted purple, so we got her purple... then she changed her mind and wanted Orange, we still have purple.

Holly and Ava at the park

2011-08-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

Ava and Delaney at the park

2011-08-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

Delaney and Ava

2011-08-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

They were telling Cooper what they had done over the summer.

Our balloon release with the Mallory girls

2011-08-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ava and her best friends visiting Cooper

2011-08-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

So my best friend Lindsey, her two little girls are Ava's best friends. They wanted to come with us to visit Cooper and release balloons. It was so sweet to see. It's nice, to have friends that love us that much.

AVA

2011-08-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

So amongst all the loss of Cooper. WE do have Ava. What a joy she has been through this. She has been such a WONDERFUL little girl to be stuck in the house all the time, and me not being able to play with her like she wants me to. She has dance every Monday, they do tumbling stuff, then ballet, then tap. She LOVES it. Tap is her favorite, and I never thought it would be. She is growing up so fast. But every single time i go to change her diaper, I'm a little thankful she's still in diapers b/c if she's my only child, I don't want her growing up too fast. Also, there's no way she would have continue'd potty training with everything that has happened around here. But maybe we will try again in another month or so. Her words she uses in her everyday talking are growing by leaps and bounds. Big words and she knows how to use them and pronounce them. She talks about her brother often. She asks questions about him. She will ask at least once a week is Cooper coming down from the clouds to live with us. We remind her she is living with Jesus and she says oh yeah, he's with Jesus in the clouds. She understands far more than we ever thought she would. She asks more questions about it than I would ever think a 2 almost 3 year old would ask. But I'm thankful for that, I want her to know it's okay to ask as she gets older. We got a 2011 BOB REVOLUTION stroller b/c Richard is running all the time, and for me when I go on my hard walks with her. Right now my walking is slow... but eventually I will soon be able to be back at full speed. She loves the stroller! WE do too. It's a GREAT investment. She knows how to work her dvd player in her room, and is becoming even more independent than she already is. I like that she's independent, especially being a female. I never want her to think she has to depend on a guy when she's an adult. But right now as she is little it can be a little FRUSTRATING to say the least. She is also very stubborn, like her dad. That's also a great quality to have in life as she gets older, but right now... GRRR! She also loves pretending that Clifford the big red dog, is in our house, so she pretend plays with him. That's her first "imaginary" friend... but at least we know who he is! We play ball with Clifford, I have to feed Clifford, and just as I think he's sitting on her Dora couch or somewhere with her, she tells me he has moved and sometimes gets mad at me for thinking he is somewhere that she says he is not. It's so cute. She doesn't do it all the time, just at some point during the day. She even likes to sleep with Clifford at night. I never did that, but I would think it may have something to do with being an only child, I'm not sure. Whatever it is, I think it's cute, and I love seeing her imagination at work. Ava is the child that says SORRY when another child does something wrong and that child is supposed to say sorry, Ava will say it. So we are teaching her how it works, so she doesn't think she always did something wrong, like if I ask her not to do something, even though I'm not mad, she will walk off and sulk.. so we are working really hard to break that. I don't want her to confuse me asking her not to do something with her being in trouble. I know my tone of voice is different when she's in trouble, and I don't think she recognizes that. But we tell her that she did nothing wrong, it's okay, it was an accident, she didn't mean to, etc.. .so the other day I accidentally bumped her head with a brush and I said so sorry Ava, and she said "it's okay mommy, you didn't mean to, it was an accident"... so sweet you have to love little kids. Just when you think they aren't getting what you are trying to teach them they go and do that and make you feel like you aren't failing and they are listening. I'm so proud of Ava and how much she has grown, she is so sweet and loving and I couldn't ask and wouldn't ask for anything different. She's perfect and I love her just the way she is, well almost, I wish she would learn to SLEEP at night!

6 Weeks

2011-08-26T07:47:00.001-07:00

Today is 6 weeks since I delivered my sweet little Cooper. When I think of everything that I've felt and had to go through in such a short amount of time, it even shocks me! I miss Cooper so much, but at the same time, I'm so proud to be his mommy and I know I will be with him again someday. I'm so thankful to have the beliefs that we have, to have FAITH like we have. I guess I've never felt depressed through this, I've never been angry, I've not had any of those emotions and I think it's my Faith and my beliefs that help me with that. We've had some very special experiences since we lost Cooper, experiences that let us know he is there, he knows us. Sometimes I find myself questioning does he really know how much we love him. But I know that he does. Your love for your children is the same, you love them in a way you don't love anybody else. We didn't have to have him in our home to have that love. I am so thankful for Cooper teaching us that there is this whole part of life that parents lose children and there is a NEED for support groups, etc... and I'm so proud to be starting on a journey to help other parents and hospitals, etc... I know it will be locally at first, but we don't plan on stopping here, we want to help parents in every state all over the country and someday I plan on that being what we do. I would not have a clue about any of this if it weren't for Cooper. I look forward to this journey on this project and look forward to helping other parents.

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

2011-08-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

So we went to design Cooper's Marker today. We get to the point of wording and we hadn't picked anything we wanted to say on there. We had his name and all that on there, but nothing special to put on there in words. So Vicky told us that was fine just email her within the next couple days with something. So we got home and I googled some quotes for markers. Everything we were reading was too long, or too sad. Coopers marker is HAPPY if it can be. The picture is going to be the same picture that's on our COOPER frame. The little boy smiling holding up the turtle. That came about b/c at first we were just going to put a turtle, until several days ago Richard suggested to use that drawing. I couldn't think of anything more fitting and perfect for Cooper. So I am reading and I see UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, I don't know what it was but it struck both of us and we were like that's it. So I emailed Vicky that we wanted that on there. Well, I received a sweet package from CHM, which is part of the support group I meet with. In there is a beautiful book Mommy, please don't cry. It's very short, but it's beautiful b/c of all the art work inside, the illustrations are so perfect. It will make you cry, there is no way you can read this book that takes just a couple minutes and not cry. In the back of it there are some things for you to write in it. I was writing in the first section that was titled Our thoughts and prayers for you. As I was going to end it, I was like OH I'll end it how we ended the letter we wrote to him and then read to him in the hospital. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN. And that was it, that's why we wanted that on his marker, it was what we put at the end of his letter that day, a letter that we recorded me reading it to him. So it's not just any letter, it's THE letter to our sweet baby. It's just so amazing how things happen sometimes. You almost feel like we were supposed to say that. I'm very thankful this experience happened this evening, b/c we were just going to say WE LOVE YOU or something on there, but none of that felt right, but this is right UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.

Marker

2011-08-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

I thought many things were stressful and hard, but picking out a marker and design for Cooper is wearing me out! There is so much that goes into it. I think we have it all figured out in our heads, if they can do it. So now it will be a matter of meeting with them and figuring out all the details and wording and so on. This is by far the hardest decision yet. Csection no question, funeral no question, the marker, I'm totally in a field I know NOTHING about. I'm beyond ready for it to be done and at his grave site b/c I'm tired of looking at the temporary marker. Right now it's not emotional for me as it is stressful, I'm sure when it's at his site, it will be an emotional moment for us as we see it there. But right now, i just know NOTHING about what we are doing and while they have given us websites I'd rather just say here is the design and we want this this and this and now go put it all together. We are hoping to meet Wednesday afternoon with them to get this moving forward. It's not that we have put it off, it's just you have ONE shot to get it right, ONE shot to have it how you want it, when it's down it's down. I think we have found a very special little picture design for it now and so as long as they can do it, then I will be happy with whatever else. You want this to be just as special as your wedding day was, or whatever event or thing is most special to you, this marker needs to be just and is just as special to us. If I could sketch worth anything, then I would have this done already! Why I didn't inherit any artistic traits, I have no clue but now I wish I did! So anyway here we go, I'm ready and can't wait to see it all!

ONE MONTH

2011-08-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Friday the 12th, marked 4 weeks since losing/gaining my son. I woke up and wondered why I wasn't in the BEST of moods, b/c Richard was off so I should have been super happy. But then it hit me what the day was, and once I allowed to feel the emotions, my day got better. What's nice is I asked Richard did he know what day it was, and he said 4 weeks. It's just nice to have somebody who KNOWS. So, when I'm upset, sad, mad, etc... i like to shop. We had talked about buying a new BOB REVOLUTION 2011 stroller for a while... so yesterday evening, Richard went and bought it. I can't really use it yet, as my recovery has been painful with some complications. As I thought back on the past 4 weeks, I thought of how we have been through more than most people ever will in a life time. I thought of all the comments that have been made, good or stupid or bad, and the OUTPOURING of love and support from our friends. Family you expect it, but friends, we have some true wonderful friends. I have thought of how blessed I am to have not gone through a depression or anger, how wonderful my best friend my husband is. There are times when people make you feel as though you can't talk about it, or are supposed to pretend it never happened, and in those times I always have the Lord and my husband. I have Ava, she can put a smile on my face, she can also test me to my limit, but how thankful I am that we have her. That I get to KNOW what it's like to be a mom. I went to meet with the board members about working with the hospitals to help parents, and stayed for the support group, I won't go into it, except to say it was so nice to sit in a room where you aren't judged, all these women had been through what I had, they all UNDERSTOOD, TRULY understood, they didn't lose a husband or grandparent but they lost their CHILD. To be able to freely talk about your loss and to know these people WANT to hear about it is so freeing and makes me feel SO loved. These women didn't know me, but when I left I felt like I had a bond and a friendship with these women for life that words can't explain. One mom said something that really stuck with me. She doesn't have any other kids, this was her first, she lost her, but even though the baby didn't live, she said that her daughter taught her a new way to love, another kind of love that she didn't know you could have. It struck me, b/c it's so true. I think that's part of why losing a child is SO hard. Think of how much you love your child, from the minute you are pregnant or for some the minute they know what they are having and have a name and so on... but you LOVE that child in a way that you don't love your husband or anybody else in the world. I wouldn't risk my life for just anybody, I wouldn't stay up all night, clean up vomit, wipe poopy butts, feed, bathe, dress, and so on, just anybody, but you do your child. So when I look back over the time that has passed, I think of how fortunate I am, to have Richard and Ava. There are moments and feelings and pictures and words I will never forget. The women at this support group I will never forget every group meeting we have, I will NEVER forget my son and holding him, and so much more. At this point I can say that we are okay, I am okay, I will be okay, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be sad, or that a day will go by that I don't think about Cooper or talk about Cooper, that just means that I am OKAY. I will survive even on the days I feel like I won't. Losing my son is awful, burying him is horrible, but Cooper has opened me to something I never knew there was a need for. I am very excited to be able to help other parents and work with the hospital. I never really paid attention to how people could lose a child and so on, it was never a fear. There isn't ENOUGH support for us moms and if I can help just one mom then I will be so happy. So this past month has been up and down, but my stability is my husband and child and faith, and I look forward to helping others. Isn't it crazy how quickly our lives can change?

Our visit to Cooper

2011-08-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

I couldn't see b/c the sun was shining, so I just snapped and hoped I got the balloons, and I got this beautiful picture!

BACK TO SCHOOL MOMS

2011-08-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

As I read my FB status news feed stuff, it's all these moms talking about how sad they are this kid and that kid are starting school or going back to school. I think to myself be so happy you have those children to send to school. I never want Ava to start school, after losing Cooper I never want her to grow up. I will not have another sweet baby to love on, another child to potty train, another child to teach how to walk and talk and numbers and abc's and to color and so on... and while many of you, you are so happy when that day finally comes... those of us that lose our child and have to bury our child would give ANYTHING to do that stuff for the rest of our lives. I look at Ava in a totally different light now, we are both more protective of her, I worry about her every second she is not with me. Anybody else driving her somewhere I worry, I worry constantly. I wish sending her to school was my only sort of "sadness", I would give anything for that to be it. So as you tuck your kids in tonight, or before you totally yell at them, or spank them, or send them to time out whatever it is you do, take a second take a breath and be thankful you have your children even if it is to punish them for being naughty. Then hold them so tight in your arms. If I wouldn't have probably broken Cooper's bones I would have squeezed him as tight as I could. And if I wouldn't hurt Ava I would squeeze her super tight too. Make sure your children know how much you love them even when you are at your maddest moment with them, tell them you love them because we don't all get to look at our child and tell them we love them. I don't get to look at Cooper and tell him how much I love him, but boy do I love that little guy. So when you send your kid out the door for school be grateful you get to do that with all your kids.

Cooper's Story

2011-08-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to share our sweet Noah Cooper's story and make it shorter than it actually takes for you to capture all of it.

July13th - went to the specialist, Dr. BK for a normal ultrasound and to check on everything. Reason we also saw a specialist the whole time is b/c my first ultrasound ob appointment was at 7 weeks and 5 days. He had a super strong heartbeat, but there was fluid Dr. Mestemacher (my ob) saw, and we saw it when she showed us. She said it could go away on it's on, just be a fluke, or be something but that they can do surgery while I'm pregnant so it could be corrected, POSSIBLY. Go see the specialist the following Wednesday and everything is fine, no sign of any fluid, our Cooper was PERFECTION and moving a TON! It was cute! And that's how all our appointments went. July 13th was expected to be no different. It was a Wednesday and like Friday we were going to my OB to get the ultrasound on DVD! We were so excited!

The tech comes in and right away says that he is breech, I said is that good or bad and she said it didn't matter she would just poke at him to get him to move. Little poking no moving... so she said well let me measure his legs and all right now... then she pushed the button that is for the heart and quickly stopped it and said oops wrong button. Then she did it again and this time she covered up my belly and said she would be right back. Now b/c of the LEAP I had to have for pre-cancerous cells on my cervix last August they always have to do the ultrasound that way too, to check my cervix. Which they told me was perfect. So as soon as she walked out of the room I got upset and told Richard something was wrong. I wasn't crying yet, Ava was with us. Then it hit me, he was dead. I knew it but didn't want to imagine that thought. So then what felt like eternity, the head tech and the "momma" of the office walked in. i instantly asked her what was wrong, she said nothing but "hold on" and started measuring and did the heart button, only she let it play out full before she turned off the heart button. She said, and these words and that ultrasound will forever be with me. She said "She sent me in here to verify what she saw" and then it came out of my mouth before I could stop it, I said "he is dead isn't he?" and she said yes. With tears in her eyes she hugged my neck and held my right hand, and before I could stop it a NO came out of my mouth followed by emotions that you don't know you are capable of feeling. Garbage can beside the bed, me there half naked and the tech and richard each holding a hand as I sobbed uncontrollably. Then the nurse said quietly to me, if I could manage to hold on for a second they would get Ava out of the room so I didn't scare her. Then I stopped sobbing and remembered Ava was in the room. I looked over at her sweet face, told her Cooper was sick and that mommy was sad but I was okay mommy wasn't hurt. She said Okay and smiled. The other techs came in and got Ava out. The "momma" tech told us that Dr. BK was at the hospital but would be there as quickly as he could. For us to take our time and maybe have somebody come get Ava, and then they would move us to a private little office. Richard with sadness written all over his face and in his eyes, held me. He gently talked to me and held me while tears poured out of my eyes. Every thought ran through my mind, including how was Ava going to feel, I wanted to give her a sibling, and my husband said we did, he just won't live with us, but that us as a family by that point had grown to LOVE Cooper. You have to know at 12 weeks we had found out what we were having. I had tons of bags of clothing sitting on my floor in my room. So that thought ran through the thought of having to do something with that. Then I laughed b/c I said the diaper bag I had just ordered I was keeping b/c i loved it and needed a new one. Then the thought that most of us probably thing, what did I do is it my fault? Richard told me firmly NO IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DID NOTHING WRONG. So with much shaking we called Kellie who worked close by. She dropped everything and came and got Ava to take her to her house where my Granny was up keeping Brayley of for the week. Kellie got there and hugged me and we cried together. Ava came in the room with a smile, stickers all over her shirt two suckers one for each hand, and opened! Also, she had eaten a few bags of fruit snacks too. Richard and I then went into the other room and waited. That waiting was when I was able to gather some thoughts and calm down b/c i had to b/c my chest was starting to hurt and that scared me. Dr. BK came into the room, tears in his eyes and a huge hug for me. He explained that Edema was all over Cooper's body and that it was probably caused by lymphatic or cardiovascular fluid, and that even if it didn't happen so fast that he wasn't sure if he would have been able to correct it or not by surgery. He told us we could have an amnio, do an autopsy or skin tissue sampling to maybe get a more accurate cause. For us his answer was enough. Neither of us felt we needed any of that.

So then we headed to my OB's office, my eyes were almost swollen shut by this point, so we walked in (i had my shades on) and they rushed us to the back, they did not even hardly let us walk in the door. We were thankful. Dr. Mestemacher came in and she LISTENED. Then we went over everything and my options. First it was another c-section or induced labor. It was safer to do another section, but that this would be a little different and could probably cause problems if we ever had another and that we would not carry past 36 weeks if we had another due to what they had to do to my uterus. That was a no brainer though, I could NOT imagine pushing out my son who I knew was not alive, for ME FOR US, we felt like why do all that work? The section I could be asleep for, and when I woke up we could have Cooper to hold and make memories with. Then the option, to hand Cooper over to the hospital or to plan a funeral and bury him ourselves. That too, was a no brainer! I could NOT imagine handing my son to the hospital. When we got home that night it was very late b/c we stayed at my sisters for a while b/c I couldn't come back home. Then my mom and stepdad came up and we showed them where we were going to build our home and then we all went to eat. So when we got home I emailed my dear friend Ashley who had just been through this right before Christmas only her son was almost to his due date. But she emailed me back and gave us a long list of things we may want to do when we got Cooper and so on.

I hardly slept even with the xanex and ambien my doctor had prescribed for me and Richard. So Thursday we went outside set up our tripod got dressed in colors that were going to match Coopers room and be his colors and we took FAMILY photos of the 4 of us. Then the rest of the day was spent searching for a turtle blanket to have his pictures taken in, and a white blanket to have him buried in. Finally found them. The blankets we got had 2 turtle blankets so we gave one to Ava and she is SO PROUD of it and tells everyone her brother Cooper gave it to her.

Friday comes July 15th, I'm not so much sad as nervous and anxious to see my son and hold him. I understand that this next little bit may seem almost "weird" and eww to some of you, but you don't know until you are faced with it. I thought it was kinda icky that my friend did that with her son, but it isn't at all, it's your SON. So the nurse with tears in her eyes got me all ready and informed us right away of things we may want to do and told her actually that our friend had told us those things b/c she went through this, and we had even written a letter to our sweet Cooper. Then at 5:30pm it was off to surgery finally. Dr. Miller held my hand on the operating table (she's the on call doctor b/c my ob had to go out of town, but Dr. Miller also did my section and delivered Ava) so we knew her. She was so sweet and loving. Then the mask on my face and i don't fall asleep, it was like a scene in a movie this type of section took 2 surgeons so them plus a ton of nurses, etc standing over me waiting... so then i hear Okay well I will for sure put you to sleep now.. and that was that! I wake up freezing cold but to my husband. I was barely back to the room to recover when I woke up. I wanted Cooper so bad, but Brenda the nurse we had afterwards and the one who did our memory box (oh Amy stayed and helped on the box too b/c she is that sweet) but Brenda kept telling me not until some of the drugs wore off so i was more awake to remember it all. several of my family members came in to see me. Kellie stayed out with Brayley and my sister in law had Ava at her house. Ava did not need to see me like that. Then Brenda came in with our sweet Cooper. But before that she told us he looked perfectly normal just his skin was a different color b/c he had no blood in his body. Also she kept coming in and going over everything she was doing for the memory box the whole time.

Then it happened. My son was gently placed in my arms. My perfect son. I did not see anything wrong with the color of his skin to me and Richard he was perfection. He looked just like Ava only smaller and sleeping. He had her nose, he had my mouth (ava has my mouth) he had long legs and Ava's feet and toes, and oddly enough as a trait but he had Ava's knees. Oh how I loved him even more. It was just like with Ava, the joy and love of seeing your newborn baby. I didn't cry, it was happy for us it was bittersweet I suppose but happy. We let our family members each come take a peek if they wanted. Then we had them take several pics of the 3 of us, only we didn't show Cooper's face b/c the lighting and camera couldn't get the details so we just stuck with the professional pictures the hospital was taking. But we have the pictures of the 3 of us. Then we kicked them out. Then it was Richard and me, a moment or while rather, that words can't describe you only know the feeling and moment if you have been through this. Oh how I loved him so much more, how perfect he was. To see Richard with him, with his son! Richard is the last French so it was up to us to carry the name on, so we did with Cooper. Then we filmed him and then we filmed me holding him and reading our letter to him. What a special moment to have with our son. Then it was eventually time to send him back. That was the HARDEST. But our nurse, Brenday, instantly brought in the memory box, that had the most precious pictures we will ever have of Cooper. It had a book i started reading the next day, and so much more in there, but Richard's have is the clay footprints. So tiny but sweet. And a small blue blanket a nurse had crocheted for Cooper. I asked Brenda did she do it for everyone, she was the lady who checked us in. But Brenda said no she has no clue why she wanted to do it for Cooper. What a selfless act.

The days that follow were days full of shock so i was numb to it all, except very much felt pain from the surgery. Ava was so sweet we had her up there every single day. Then I finally got to go home Tuesday evening!

The next few days were spent planning his graveside service. Trey at Collieville Funeral Home was FANTASTIC and made it much easier on us. The hardest part was having to hand him the white blanket to have Cooper wrapped in. We had driven out to the cemetery to find the infant section to see where he would be buried. there are only 3 other infants there. A huge beautiful oak tree covers the area and a huge fountain is in front of the area. It's BEAUTIFUL. That was hard, I cried a lot. Then Saturday came, we had a little over 30 people coming to the service. As the limo pulls up into the cemetery I cried, but had Richard's hand. Then we get out and see everyone, and I almost wanted to get back in the car. But I pushed through it all. Everyone was so supportive and loving and kind. It was a lovely day, overcast and cool breeze plus with the shade of the tree it was PERFECT! Then I saw it, there laid our sweet Cooper, all 7 1/2inches and 175grams of him. He laid in his closed casket. There were beautiful flowers all around him. We had lovely little programs the funeral home printed up with a beautiful poem and a lovely guest sign in book. It was beautiful, the tent, all of it. I sat down with Richard. I can't describe the feeling and emotion of knowing your child is about to be buried. It's something there are no words for, it doesn't compare. I cried. Our Bishop did a WONDERFUL job, and everything he said was perfect and beautiful. He spoke directly to Richard and me. Then that part was all done. Then it was time to do the balloon release. Ava picked the colors, the colors that were his room. Ocean blue, and turtle green. Trey took over and said a couple words and said on the count of 3 we would release the balloons. To see everyone gathered holding these balloons to do this for our son, for Cooper was a feeling of such love. Then he said 1,2,3 and there they went. That's a picture I will never forget. Then we went to my sister Kellie's for food.

We are now designing his headstone, which will have a turtle engraved in it b/c we were going to have a few turtle things throughout his room. WE gave Ava his led turtle night light the kind you sleep with, she named it Noah. Then the turtle pillow which she named Noah. Our friend Lara, she made this frame for us, she makes amazing frames she is so artistic. She captured something so beautiful in that frame. It's the colors of his room, and says his name, but then in vinyl she cut out this little Cooper boy, and he is holding a turtle... I cried of course b/c it just captures what I picture in my mind. So the pictures we took on that thursday we have one of the 4 of us framed in that frame. Everyone sees it who comes into our home. We have his memory box and his blanket beside the frame. We love to visit his grave and are so thankful it's just a few minutes away. Ava talks about her brother all the time. She always mentions him in prayers. She always says "bless Cooper, keep him safe and the balloons in the sky with Cooper" She loves that he lives with Jesus. That makes her happy. She asks simple questions sometimes. When she is older we will show her pictures and videos as she asks or wants to see them.

There will never be a time when we are "over it". Now that shock has worn off I have HORRIBLE days, bad days, good days. We do have Ava so we have to keep going as much as I would love to NOT. She is my reason for getting up every single day. Richard is such a rock. He has not really CRIED in front of me, but been very teary eyed. WE talk every night about how each of us feel. I have cried until I can't cry anymore. Richard has been so wonderful. We have grown so much closer together as a family and a couple. Things that used to annoy me like Ava wanting one of us to lay with her for a while each night, her not potty training, no longer seem to bother me, nor seem too important. She will potty train, but right now obviously she isn't. I am so grateful to lay with her each night and that she wants us to. You see we can't just go have another, even IF I wanted to. Not b/c of fertility, that was NEVER an issue, but b/c of the cyst on my brain. For 2 years, ever since having Ava we were told that was it no more, we FINALLY get this rare chance to come off the meds for me to TRY and then this happens. So it's not like when I'm ready we can try again, my circumstance isn't so easy. But that emptiness and longing for another child Cooper filled that and it's still full even without him in my home. He will always be talked about, I will always have 2 children, we will always be a family of 4. By the state of TN he is a stillborn, we get a death certificate, or certificate of denise, rather... he is very much a part of our family, no matter where he lives. We grew to love him with all our hearts. We speak about him all the time, we remember him all the time. We are grieving and it may take months or years. But we will never be over it, he is our son, you don't get "over it" there will be days that get better and better. And then when they are better there will still be days especially his due date and his actual day he was delivered and holidays and Mother's Day and Father's day and so on that will obviously be hard. But we will survive, with our Faith and each other. We all 3 need each other. I miss my son, I'd give anything to hold him again, I ACHE to hold him. My heart HURTS a REAL pain it HURTS on bad days. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better, but to support us and to love us and to talk about it with us is what everyone can do. He is very real, we will never not say his name or pretend he wasn't ever in our lives. We love Cooper we miss him, but we are proud to say we have 2 children, they are both adorable. We are going to be okay. I will remember every inch of his body I will remember how his little hand was tucked under his chin. I will remember how Richard looked holding him. I will NEVER forget that ultrasound. Words will never come to me to be able to explain these feelings, but while I don't feel strong enough, the Lord must know better, b/c I'm doing it and learning and growing with my family. We lover our sweet Cooper and this is a brief version of his story.

We love you Noah Cooper French

Balloon release, with just us 3 visiting Cooper

2011-08-03T09:20:00.001-07:00

Watching the balloons. I'm so glad we do this for Cooper. We did it at his graveside service, and with all the people that came (about 30 or so) it was BEAUTIFUL when we all released them. I will never forget what it looked like and felt like, everyone doing that for our son.

Balloon release, with just us 3 visiting Cooper

2011-08-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

The red one with the hearts is mine, the 2 blue ones are Ava and the green is Richard.

Our Sacred Place

2011-08-03T08:56:00.001-07:00

Ava smelling the flowers, then we realized there were bees everywhere!

Our Sacred Place

2011-08-03T08:51:00.001-07:00

Temporary marker, we are working on designing his marker.

Our sacred place

2011-08-03T08:44:00.001-07:00

Wasn't sure if I wanted to post these pictures, but most of you who follow my blog are my CLOSEST friends, and family. The two sprays with the purple flowers were from me, Richard and Ava, Ava picked out the purple flowers. The one that has the blue ribbon is from Richard's mom and dad.

2011-08-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

I love the pictures of Richard and Cooper, just like I love pictures of Ava and Richard. Watching Richard with his son was bittersweet. He loves his son very much and has a very detailed memory of everything, every part of his skin, every second spent in our room with him. I smile at that, because the memories we had planned to make were fishing and vacations and so on, but instead we have these memories that are MORE precious than any memories we could have ever made with him living.

Meeting Cooper

2011-08-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

He is so cute, he looks like his sister. He has Ava's nose, my mouth, long legs (he gets from me), Ava's feet and cute toes, and oddly enough as a trait he has Ava's knees. My time didn't seem long enough with him, I don't think it would have ever. I will never forget what he looked like and how he was "sleeping" with his tiny hand tucked under his chin. To us it was as if we were holding him and he really was just "sleeping". His spirit was there with us that night and holding him on my chest is one of my proudest moments. He will always be our son and we will always be a family of four.

POEM FOR COOPER

2011-08-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this poem, I found it on another mom's page and thought the words were perfect for how we feel right now.

You never said you're leaving

You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home.

-Unknown

Casey Anthony Trial

2011-07-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

So, I know many people are disgusted with the outcome of this trial. We have followed it very closely since the beginning of it. I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant or what, but I think about it and get tears in my eyes. It's such a shame, that while in an interview jury member number 3 said "Just b/c she's not guilty doesn't mean she's innocent" but b/c they don't have the "hard evidence" they couldn't say she was guilty. AS a jury member do you not take what you hear in testimonies and any evidence they may have and conclude from that? Based on the lies she told the cops for days that would be enough for me, and the fact she waited 31 days before saying a word to anybody! I hate this system. I didn't have much faith in it anyway, not after my grand jury. They had every bit of evidence and somehow Shane Parker still got off! So if you have all the evidence you could want they get off, if you don't have enough they get off. So I don't understand this system AT ALL! I know in my case a bunch of shady stuff happened, evidence was "lost", they didn't get a report from my therapist and so on... so i had to go to trial TWICE. I say trial b/c the jury members made me feel like I WAS the one on trial. It was awful. But I look at Casey Anthony a MURDERER and she's free. Well, I say free, I'm sure the Lord will not provide her with a happy life. I also am happy to know that he will be her judge someday and she will wish she would have gone to jail. I look at Ava who is 2 almost 3, but I think on my WORST day with her the WORST I could NEVER NEVER NEVER imagine murdering her. I think of poor little Caylee, did she suffer, did she scream did she fight, or did the Lord comfort her right away and just take her sweet little spirit so she didn't know the pain or realize her mommy was hurting her. Just thinking this and typing it brings me to tears. She does not deserve to ever be labeled as a "MOTHER" b/c she wasn't one. She is a "MURDERER". I think to myself, did the Lord know this was going to happen? And if it breaks all of our hearts, how sad do you think it made the Lord? But hopefully Caylee is very happy now, as I am sure she is. As for Casey, she will wish she were in jail. I have a feeling no name change, no dying of the hair could fool ANYBODY. America KNOWS her face. She will probably never get a job, she will probably get hate mail, and her family should too for lying for her! She will probably get death threats and should PROBABLY hire protection! And as for her parents and brother, how can they go on, knowing they LIED for her. Knowing she did it, and then covered it up. Her mom KNOWS what happened. I'm sorry but I couldn't lie for Ava if she killed her child. As much as I would love Ava i would HATE what she did and would not protect her. Because Caylee was their grandchild and neice. How do you do that? How do any of them go on living knowing what they have all done. While we all hate Casey, I'm very angry with her parents and brother. This will be a time in history I will never forget. I will always remember Richard and i were sitting on our bed eating lunch waiting for the outcome, b/c Ava was watching a movie in the living room. I'm sure there will be a book deal or movie out of this. I don't think anybody should pay Casey any amount of money for this. She deserves NOTHING. I don't care what she has to say. I have no care in the world. But entertainment world is always hungry. They pay murderers, prostitutes, and so on for a story, people who don't DESERVE the chance to speak. Casey had her chance. Granted she was looking at the death penalty and I'd hate to be the person to decide that one, but at this point, I would say anybody would have gladly stepped up to decide that one. I don't even think the judge thinks she deserves to be free. It's just all very sad, and makes me angry. I don't know if it's just b/c I am pregnant or what. But it's disturbing. If i found out she lived in my neighborhood or town I would move. Or start a boycott and get her to move. The Lord has a hard job but he knows just the punishments for her. I'm sure they will start in this lifetime.

4th of July weekend FUN!

2011-07-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

This was one of the most fun weekends! Saturday was fireworks at Powell Park with the Willits family, Sunday was dinner at the Thiel's and Monday was Spray park and then slip and slide,pool,water guns and bubbles at the Willits, OH followed by DELISH food! The 3 cousins had SO MUCH FUN!

FUN FUN FUN

2011-06-27T13:16:00.001-07:00

Anna and Ava would splash eachother, it was cute. Then at my mom's they pretended to be on a roller coaster. It was the funniest thing to see!

Frenchfam

scar of tears

A few Ava baby baby pictures

RANDOMS

FUN Saturday with the Nulls

Anger

We won't know why....

Private Practice

MFM

video

Red skirt, Purple shirt

MORE of MY FAMILY

MY FAMILY

My best friend, my sister Kellie

Reading my blog

THINGS TO SAY

New Hair and other stuff!

Grey's Anatomy and Losing a baby

never thought....

FUN at Johnson Park

Not always the happiest way to bring in the new year....

Happy New Year 2012 and Happy Birthday Hayes!

LA TI DA.. ...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

just a few thoughts

Holiday fun with Ava

baby boys

little family fun at the zoo

Heart made gifts

Arlington Ward and Collierville 1st Ward

baby

and the last of the 3 songs

140Did You Think to Pray?

Another of the 3 songs - UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN is what's going on Cooper's headstone

152God Be with You Till We Meet Again

One of 3 songs that I can't stop thinking of today

SNOW, SNOW, SNOOOOW!!!

Week...

AVA and a magical Christmas

Stockings for Christmas

ROCKETTES!

Singing Ava

December 8th

Sacred

church

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Taylor Swift

Us Thiel kids and our families

Ava with her cousins

Family Pictures

Thanksgiving

VENT SESSION

life has handed us lemons and we are TRYING to make lemonade

Emotions

Cooper today

OCTOBER

daddy/daughter moment that is my FAVE

Granny & Pa

A huge CHUNK of my heart....

Ava and Target SCARE

SUPPORT

Our wishes

My birthday

My Ballerina

Ava and her BOB

Holly and Ava at the park

Ava and Delaney at the park

Delaney and Ava

Our balloon release with the Mallory girls

Ava and her best friends visiting Cooper

AVA

6 Weeks

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

Marker

ONE MONTH

Our visit to Cooper

BACK TO SCHOOL MOMS

Cooper's Story

Balloon release, with just us 3 visiting Cooper

Balloon release, with just us 3 visiting Cooper

140
Did You Think to Pray?

152
God Be with You Till We Meet Again