The Lord has a plan for us...

So very few people know, we have been trying for a baby. Since Jan. I has the urge in December but had to wait to go meet with all my doctor's and test ran etc... So after we had Ava due to the cyst we were told NO MORE. Then finally got it under control and had a break and tried for another, and had Cooper. I knew the same things going into this time as I did with Cooper. Only this time I have MTHFR so that just added a little more stress. Before that break to have Cooper, I had FINALLY become okay with not having another baby, with having Ava and being thankful I had her, as so many women aren't even that lucky. I really settled into the idea of an only child. Then Cooper. Then we lost him. Then this urge/desire to have another. We prayed and I prayed and prayed about this. I never got an answer that swayed me one way or the other, it was kind of left in our hands. So we met with all my doctor's, got medications in order, a birthing plan, etc... we even picked out names. Jackson Hayes French if I had a boy and Harper Marie French if I had a girl. Sadly, those days ended quicker than we wanted. Since I came off my cyst meds, I've been suffering to a point that I can hardly function. I can hardly be the mom needs or the wife Richard needs. Going into this we said that if it started affecting my health, we were done. I need to be healthy (well, as I can be) and be here for Ava. I know people get migranes, so with this cyst they say it's a thousand times worse than a migrane. I haven't slept in weeks, I have ZERO patience, I get so sick, my face feels like it is the size of a balloon (the right side) my neck is now very messed up from it, and radiating down to my back, which is now affecting my right arm. Yeah, NOT fun! I cry and call Richard sometimes, not b/c i want him to come home, as much as I wish, I know he can't, but just for somebody to cry to and to listen to me b/c I'm literally suffering. I don't have reproductive issues, well MTHFR, but I mean I don't have placenta previa or anything of that nature, all b/c of a CYST on my BRAIN it affects me having a baby.
So I finally gathered enough courage to talk to Richard about wanting to stop I can't take the pain anymore. I still have the very desire to have a baby, but I have to do what is best for the family I have. I felt like I was letting Richard down ALL OVER AGAIN. I felt like a failure. Because unless you have this cyst on your brain, you don't comprehend the suffering it causes. Unless you watch somebody with it suffering you may slightly grasp the level of pain. I'm DEVASTATED. I wanted to give Ava another sibling that would be here in our home, I wanted to hopefully give Richard another son. I wanted my son here in my home with me. But, as soon as we decided this was best, a HUGE weight was lifted, and this sigh of relief, or it was as if THIS was the right thing to do. But that doesn't make this any easier. I don't know that I will ever try again, this has been really hard on me. Richard is very supportive and all he cares about is me being healthy and we both know that I am far from that right now. So I get injections in my back,neck,head in April and will start back on my meds the beginning of April. I don't know if those days will come quick enough! Injections are done in rounds of 3 and there is no set number, I could have 9 injections one day or 12 the next, it just depends. It means more MRI's, more medical bills, etc... And I know the Lord has a plan for each of us. I know he loves me and is always there for me. I KNOW that I will be okay with all of this again, someday, I know Ava will grow up super happy and have a wonderful life, and won't know any different. I know that Richard and I will continue to be happy. I know all of these things, but it hurts, it's devastating, I cried and cried the other night to Richard about this before telling my mom the next day.
I WISH my cyst weren't where it is and that it wasn't super dangerous to just operate on, so i could have more children. But we knew since I was diagnosed with this that having more children would be very difficult if at all. I don't know WHY this happened but it did, and I will have to accept this to move forward. It's going to make it that much harder hearing about a teenager getting pregnant, etc... Yes we could adopt, and before Cooper we looked into it, but I need to be happy with what I have first. I love Ava, she is a handful, she is so full of life, and healthy, and beautiful, and smart, and funny, and the 2nd love of my life (richard being my 1st). I am so eternally greatful to have her. I don't care how that pregnancy happened, b/c if it hadn't happened we may not have her, and they may not have found this cyst on my brain. She has told me she doesn't want to share her playroom with another baby. I think she will be just fine being an only child as she has so far. I am greatful for cousins that live close for her to play with, and for friends at church for her to play with. I am so eternally greatful for my husband, he is such a rock for me. I always tell him he should have married somebody esle with all my medical crap constantly... but I know it doesn't bother him, it doesn't make him mad, or love me less, it just can drain our bank account! haha... I'm thankful for a beautiful home that we had built, that is allowing us plenty of room and for Ava to play and a huge yard for Ava to play and us to play and for her to just be a KID! I love her with all my heart and I love Cooper with all my heart and I would have loved a Jackson or a Harper, but the Lord knows that, he knows the desires of my heart, but he also knows what is best for me. So now I just try to move forward and deal with the sadness this leaves in my heart and the anger I have towards this STUPID CYST on my brain. And I have to try to hold on until I get to my doctor, I do NOT want to end up at the hospital I can tolerate a high level of pain, but sometimes I end up at the ER. So if I can just hold on and make it until April then I can feel better and life can get back to our "normal". But most of all, I can enjoy Ava and this beautiful weather without being in so much pain I can hardly stand it.
My heart is heavy but it is also full.

The way we met

I don't think I ever shared on here how Richard and I met. I used to do banking at First Tennessee. He was an FSR there. So I always saw him sitting at his desk, and eventually we led to small talk about sports, being I'm an LSU fan and he an OLE MISS fan. But he didn't dare ask me out. I would go in there with my neice all the time b/c stuff happened at her daycare, so I had moved back from Cali and offered to keep her until school started for her in the fall. So he thought I was some snobby, nanny from Collierville. Then we chatted one day at his work and he asked for my email. After he learned I wasn't a nanny, and I was FAR from snobby, that I was actually totally the opposite and one of the most caring, loving, people. So got home and he had emailed me. HE ASKED ME OUT OVER EMAIL! lol! We set the date for the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I was SUPER sick, I was running a very high fever but wanted to go b/c I didn't want him to think I was backing out, and for some reason I had this feeling about him. So I willed myself to get ready and drank a red bull just to get through an hour, which that hour led to several at Chili's. We were then going to go see a movie, but I politely told him I felt too bad to go sit through a movie, and did he mind if I just went home. I drove myself there as that is the smart thing to do on a first date, b/c it could have been an epic fail! So he was like kind of picking at me but I'm not sure at the time if he believed I was that sick. Turns out I had strep! So he was sweet and called me Sunday afternoon to check on me, and we planned to get together on Tuesday night (as long as I felt better). I wasn't great maybe a little better, or maybe just wanted to see him again. So we just met up at his house b/c I just couldn't do it, i was sick. Got there and he had Dr. Pepper's for me and flowers. so sweet! Anyways, we were supposed to watch a movie but we spent hours just talking. As most of you know I was raped. Well I went out with him just 3mts. after the rape, and I never wanted to date anybody much less marry anybody. But there was something about him my heart couldn't deny. So we were talking and I had the strong feeling to tell him that I was raped, I fought it all night b/c I thought to myself he is going to think I'm crazy and want NOTHING to do with me. So I told him but started off telling him this was his out, that we could part ways and be fine. But after I told him he just hugged me, and told me how much that made him care for me even more, etc... So after that night, I KNEW he was the one I was going to marry. So that urge I had to tell him, well on WEdnesday I got a call from my attorney saying I was going to court the next week. So if I hadn't told him he would have been like what are you going to court for, crazy! He was so supportive. He still is. So, b/c all my banking I sign everything Hannah, he called me Hannah. Well before Christmas he came with me to my mom's to meet everyone. They all call me Katie (hannah katherine). So then he started calling me Katie. I guess when he was talking to his friends and family and called me Katie they were all like WHAT, what happened to Hannah? You guys are done already! LOL... Then we went on a trip to Florida with the bank, and he proposed to me there. We had the wedding set for October 2008... but about a week later we got a surprise so the wedding was moved up to April 25th at the Memphis Botanical Gardens. And the rest is history!

Ava's first race!

Today Ava ran in a 100yrd. dash that the MRTC does for kids.

She was SO excited leading up to today. WE got her running shoes and she picked out a yellow dri-fit shirt from target (bright yellow) to go with her black shorts.

Below are the pictures from today:

She was SUPER excited to get her bib on #231

Us with the happy runner.

It was really windy and a tad chilly out.

First time ever being on a track, and since I am her mother, I hope this is not her last!

This guy thought Ava was so cute in her outfit.

She LOVED being on the track. YAY YAY YAY! I can only hope she follows in my footsteps in that field!

They did a warmup before the racing started.

Walking down to the START line. How cute is this!

getting ready... I stood there behind her until they started. Richard made a video.

They didn't have winners or losers, but to us she was a winner! She got a very very nice medal (which she is covering up) a frisbe, and a tshirt. Then they had TONS of food for everyone!

It was a fantabulous afternoon and I had tears in my eyes as I walked behind them and watched her run. I WISH I could run with her and her dad. But I'm so proud of her for doing this and she loved it and wants to do it every weekend.



March of Dimes - March for Babies

So If you don't know already, I'm doing the March of Dimes walk for Babies. Obviously a cause near and dear to my heart. I'm teamcooperfrench and have already raised over my goal, but that's not enough, I want to raise more. I'm very excited to be doing this and I hope any of you that haven't would like to donate.

Richard's 5K from Fight for Life today!

The race was at Shelby Farms this morning. Ava and I drove seperate to go watch him race. It was chilly but sunny! Target had tons of people running in this race today. That was cool that all these people including the district manager ran in this race. It was people from all the stores in this area. Some of the kids ran with their parents too.

So this is how my morning started, she kept telling me that she wasn't getting up (b/c it was early) and she would fall back asleep all snug in my bed.

But we made it there, and found Richard before the race started. Isn't he so cute!

Skylar, Ava, Danni waiting for their dads to finish! They had been jumping in the bouncy house and didn't really want to come cheer on their dads. But they did it and were so proud of them.

HERE HE IS! So my phone was dying and was really delayed in picutres. When he crossed his time was 28min. and 45seconds. He set a new PR for himself. And he finished FIRST in his age division! VERY proud of him. Ava wore his two medals all day today.

I know it's blurry, but the back of their shirts said "Billy can't catch us" - Billy is Richard and several others who ran the race, boss. They gave him a hard time about the race. So Steve made them these shirts and in the circle b/c of the target bullseye thing. Anyway Billy didn't beat Richard, THANK GOODNESS!

They had free face painting. Ava got a butterfly. She got comments on her face everywhere we went today. Then she had a meltdown and started crying and well she messed it up. She was so mad about it and kept asking if we could go back to daddy's race. She is fine now, it was just about an hour worth of crying.

Richard got new shoes after the race, him and Buck did. They each have half marathons coming up, and if you know anything about road racing you know before a half or a full you gotta get new shoes a few weeks in advance. Besides after today he deserved them.

Today was such a fun morning, but it totally made me sad I can't run anymore, STUPID CYST! But I'm glad that if I can't Richard is picking up the slack.

Ava is running her first road race Sunday March 2nd! For 5 and under it is just a 100 yard dash. She is going to love it. She is super excited. They get their own medals, they get a meal after the race and then all kinds of treats and goodie bags.

I'm very proud of what a very physically active family I have. WE all exercise, doing some kind of cardio. That makes me happy. Because if you knew me before the cyst you know that I've always played sports since Kindergarten and then started running track and then did road races when I got to California. At least we are doing our part on staying healthy and not letting child obesity hurt our family (which is what today's race was for).



Adventures in Potty Training

We have tried to potty train Ava several times. She is stubborn but wasn't ready. Then her specialist we see for her GI problems made us stop. This was last fall. Now he gave us the okay 2 weeks ago. I was sick all last week so we put it off until this week.

So far she has been sitting on the potty for 2 1/2 hours. Yep, that long! She WON'T get up! She is so determined to go in the potty. But I keep telling her we can go every 5minutes to the potty so she doesn't just sit there. Nope, that is not what she wants to do either. So instead she ate breakfast while on the potty, she has had a snack 2 drinks and watching movies on her portable dvd player. I don't get this child. She is the most STUBBORN child for potty training!

I asked her if she was ever going to potty and she said "yes, on thursday." LOL, okay!

The upside to this is I'm not having to clean messes up all over the house. She knows she isn't supposted to potty in her underwear, she won't call them panties, they are underwear. And she also knows she shouldn't go in pull-ups. I bet if I put a diaper on her she would go, but I REFUSE. I can play this game with her. She can be stubborn and so can I.

If it were summer and our fence was built around our back yard, I swear I would put her in just a shirt and let her run around, and I would get her little potty out of the attic and put it on the patio, and just let her go. But instead it's this. She loves sitting on the big potty (with her princess seat of course).

This is the WORST part of being a mom so far. I hate this it's awful, I wish it would just CLICK with her. She's too smart for her own good. I mean she can't hold it ALL day. I feel like I need a potty trainer master to come to my house and knock this out. This is ridiculous!! She is so frustrating me with this. I even made a cute fun chart last night for her. She loves it! She knows that if she goes everyday all day that she gets the camera she wants. She isn't getting little treats along the way b/c that doesn't entice her. This camera does. So if she goes all day every single day for the next 2 weeks then she gets her pink camera that takes pictures, and she can view them like a digital camera and she can record video and even play games. No it's not ridiculous expensive, it's like 40bucks on Target's website but 60 in the store.

She just got off the potty! yay! Now, she is BOUND to have an accident any minute. So here we go!

Rock from the grave

So today we went to visit Cooper. Ava LOVES to play rocks with her brother. What she does is throw them up as high as she can and says he is throwing them down to her. So today I thought it would be nice to grab some rocks, for us to have at home, like a part of his special place closer to me since we don't live in Collierville anymore. So I painted myself one of the rocks his colors and put a C on it. Then Ava painted 3 and put each letter of her name on a rock. She also put a rock on Coopers grave. I love that I did this, b/c these aren't just any old rocks from anywhere, they are from his special place and now that makes me feel a little closer. If I can't go see him all the time, I can at least have this rock. Plus it was super fun for Ava to paint hers all different colors and she loves them. So here are the pictures of them.